Break out the wide-angle lense

Hi, group. My name is Karla and I’m a closet mocker. I started watching a reality show (which will remain nameless) because the average IQ of the contestants was barely above sea slug level. Even though I didn’t voice my opinions, I’m not proud of my snooty attitude.

What I learned from the show is that in order to take a good portrait, your eyes have to look like there’s actually a thought in your head. That wiped out half the competition. You also need to be aware of angles–bad news for me. I have a body that looks best head on, and a face that doesn’t.

In the unlikely event that the press will think I’m newsworthy, I’m updating my press kit. This means having a photo taken by a real payment-due-in-advance photographer.

This will involve plucking eyebrows, dying gray roots, and applying enough industrial strength concealer to paint the Taj Mahal – twice. More importantly, it means I will be practicing making faces in the mirror. When I smile, it sends my cheeks on a collision course with my eyes. I try to open my eyes wide while smiling, and it looks like I just found out that Sarah Palin is running for President. It’s that moment of shock before your brain registers the situation and you start projectile vomiting.

That's not a squint - it's cheek encroachment

Getting back to the angles, I need to make sure that the light doesn’t emphasize my gut or my nose. I have never been a delicate little thing, and the camera adds about twenty cheeseburgers (give or take a few pickles). Perhaps that’s why the photographer suggested that the light would be best about 9:00 PM for an outdoor shoot.

I guess I owe it to the IQ impaired to go through with this photo thing. They can be proud of their beautiful portraits while they’re pasting my nose all over the internet. Karma’s a bitch!

(That’s my buddy, Barry Parham and me at the Briarpatch for a book signing.)

12 thoughts on “Break out the wide-angle lense

  1. I heard they have a special on industrial strength concealer at Costco, but I’m waiting until it appears in the coupon book. (Not that you need it, you’re much cuter than Barry and I’m straight.)

    • When I first roll out of bed in the morning, I’m the spitting image of Barry.

  2. Hey! One of thelisas thinks Sarah Palin is right on. The other is learning to control her projectile vomiting problem. We think your photo is lovely, but how come Barry got to wear the tiara?

    • I’m a little jealous of the tiara, but he won the talent competition fair and square.

    • I couldn’t bring myself to post the one where it looked like I’d just eaten my weight in amphetamines.

  3. So, if you are griping when your picture looks that Hot (and it does!), I’d hate to hear your gripes before you get all dolled up. You look mahvelous dahlink! Funny and hot. Good combo. And I’m not talking about Hot Flashes…..which is not a rock group but rather a sweat bath. My kids think that is so funny. And it’s not even a joke. What do they know…the young punks.
    Anywho, where was I?
    OH yea. Seriously, Karla, you look great. I’m so proud of you. Congrats on all your successes, now and in the future (and there will be many!).

    • Thanks, sweetie. Maybe all kids should be locked in a Turkish bathhouse for about an hour and see if they still laugh about hot flashes.

      • That is so weird that you should say that. I was stationed in Turkey in my mid-twenties (back when my body was….well, a 20 something’s body) and a bunch of us took a day trip to Istanbul and went to a Turkish bath. It was an experience. As I remember, it was quite hot (and not in a good way) and people were naked that shouldn’t ever be naked….And? It smelled quite badly.
        Yea, not the field trip we had all hoped for. Too much culture for my young mind to grasp. LOL

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