Die with a t

As I looked over the list of desirable foods for my new diet, it read like a who’s who of edibles that cause emissions better blamed on the dog. I’ve taken to feeding Colt leftover beans to help validate my claims. On the plus side, I can eat all the parsnips that I want. Unfortunately, I’m not even sure what a parsnip is.

My mission for week one was to take a before picture (ugh!), take my measurements, and track everything I put in my mouth. My foot gets extra points for humiliation. As I measured my breasts, my hands got clammy. I moved on to my waist and felt a chill running up my spine. By the time I got to my hips, I was getting too dizzy to read the numbers. Doggedly, I pushed on to my thigh. The tape measure was swallowed up. I think it’s still in there somewhere.

Actually, I only need to lose twenty pounds to get to my target weight. Only 20 pounds! That’s like three nervous little Chihuahuas. I guess I should be thankful I don’t have to lose a golden retriever. I was told by my friend to dress “fat” when I went to my first meeting, so I wouldn’t annoy people of a girth larger than mine. What does that mean? Should I stuff extra Chihuahuas in my shirt?

My major exercise now is walking the dog. I don’t know if I can count that as an activity, since it involves a lot of stops for sniffing and marking. Usually, I leave the marking to Colt. I’ve already discovered that yoga involves balancing and breathing at the same time. Until they come up with a posture called the flailing flounder, I’m out of luck there.

Today I’m going shopping for the first time since I started the diet. That means taking my points calculator into the store. It’s a nice little gadget, but has the unfortunate appearance of a case for a diaphragm. If I buy a box of condoms, people will assume that I’m going to get lucky tonight, while they wonder why I’m poking at a diaphragm in the frozen foods aisle.

Before

I’m actually looking forward to the challenge. I deeply admire all those people who are able to lose weight and keep it off. My vanity is at stake, my blood sugar is at stake, and my Chihuahuas just want to go home.

17 thoughts on “Die with a t

  1. “That’s like three nervous little Chihuahuas.” I swear I don’t know how you think up this stuff, but my sides ache from some of it…….hell, most of it. I like to think I’m funny, but you got it nailed, missy. Funny stuff. And best wishes on your weight loss journey. It sounds like you’re making all the right moves so far!

    Terri

  2. I agree with Theresa wholeheartedly…I’ve told you this before; YOU are the funniest lady I know…

    Good luck to you on your weight-loss goals…I know you will find the measuring tape soon and that those nervous chihuahua’s will be set free…Yeah right…there more like the three blind mice…I don’t see any chihuahua’s there…

  3. Where’d you get a points calculator? I always had to go online to figure out my points. With a calculator I could do it myself. BTW, the points system worked great for me until I threw caution to the winds. Now I’m back where I started. Back to the fat jeans with the elastic waistband.

    • I got the points calculator at a Weight Watchers meeting. You can probably get it from their site online too-just a guess.

  4. I learned a long time ago that I am terrible at dieting. I am, it seems, incapable to doing anything that involves a schedule or keeping track of anything. It took me a while to figure out how to work with my shortcomings. Now, I eat what I want in moderation and dance my a** off, since I actually enjoy dancing.

    Time for lunch!

  5. I have one word for you, my dear. Beano. Helps with …problems associated with eating certain foods. Parsnips are long brownish roots. Peel those (as if carrot) ditto a couple of turnips, and carrots, and a peeled, diced potato. Toss in some sliced onion, pat with butter (a little..this is a diet) and roast at 350 for oh, 15 minutes, stir around, then finish up for 10 minutes. Best ith your diet.
    Nan D Arnold
    -Pesto Packing Mama- nominee 2010 Book of the Year
    http:/www.nandarnold.com

    • That’s different from any recipe I’ve seen yet in the book. Sounds great, thanks!

  6. I actually lost 85 pounds and kept it off. Not that I’m bragging, only to say that this is one time I am not talking out of my ass.

    Okay I’m bragging a bit.

    Anyway, there is a supplement that you NEED called CLA. Totally healthy, will help a little with the weight, but not much. So why do you NEED it?

    Once you take off those small dogs the fight is keeping it off. CLA turns the body into a transformer, kinda. You won’t be turning into a cool robot car, but when you go off the strict regiment, CLA will ensure that the weight you do put back on will be muscle, not fat, mostly.

    I was going to put a link to a CLA site, but since I’ve been so helpful and informative I’m putting a link to my own site.

    Look CLA up yourself!

    http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/

    Disclaimer-My blog contains no CLA

  7. Dogs who weigh less then the average housecat are automatically downgraded from full dog status, therefore rat dogs are a fitting description for chihuahuas.

  8. Dear Sister From Another Mister,

    I you, big time. We’re living each other’s lives, except I’m obviously colder cuz I’m in Canada. Seriously, seriously, seriously LOVE your work, lady. Keep on writing the funny and don’t mind me while I cyber stalk you…

    LD

    • My first stalker! Just don’t trample the azaleas when you hide in my bushes. Glad to meet you.

  9. “My major exercise now is walking the dog. I don’t know if I can count that as an activity, since it involves a lot of stops for sniffing and marking.”

    What does your dog do while you’re marking and sniffing? Kidding, I’m dieting too and waiting for the bitterness to kick in. Good luck with yours.

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