No, I’m not wearing a turtleneck

“Look, they have figs!” I exclaimed as we were checking out at the Farmer’s Market. My friend looked at the shriveled up fruit dubiously and flatly refused to try one. The thing about figs, is that they’re not ripe until they look like the gum you stepped on in the Wal-Mart parking lot. These figs were at their mushy peak of perfection.

Now, whenever I open the refrigerator door, the figs seem to be attempting to break out of their plastic basket by oozing through the cracks. I know they’re sweet and delicious, but I just can’t bring myself to pick one up. They remind me too much of the time I tried to wear sandals that laced up my ankles. Doughy mounds of ankle fat were straining the structural integrity of the leather thong.

Maybe I had figs on my mind, but last night I dreamt that I was on a TV game show. As I was cheering wildly about winning an Amana Radarange, I looked up to see mirrors on the ceiling. To my horror, I realized that I had a wattle. I’m talking full on neck cleavage. Skin was bouncing in multiple directions as I clapped. I woke up in a cold sweat, relieved to find that my neck was not laying on the pillow next to me.

This is a source of concern for me, because I love it when my husband nibbles on my neck. I don’t really want him to have pieces of it stuck between his teeth. You’d think I’d be worrying about the frown line that doesn’t go away when I stop frowning, or the age spots engaged in continental drift, merging into one huge Pangea of olditude. No, I’m concerned that one of these days, I’m going to jump and my neck will give a wicked left hook to my chin. Try explaining that when you come to.

I know that people are starving in Outer Slobonia, but the figs had to go. I’ll just stick to firm fruits in the future. Is that cauliflower looking at my thighs?

10 thoughts on “No, I’m not wearing a turtleneck

  1. Hilarious! I have a bit of a wattle now, but if I’m careful and don’t run, it doesn’t whack me side of the head!

    • I’m counting on not having the energy to jump around once my neck heads south.

  2. OMG! I think that was your best yet!!! If I’d been eating or drinking, I would have choked for sure…

    I love it when you talk about your olditude, but honey, you’re gorgeous!

  3. In Outer Slobania, they’ll just have to make do with eating the prunes they grow. Yes, it’s a horrible, dastardly prospect, but what are we to do?

    There’s a challenge for you over at my blog…..

  4. Yes, figs are ugly, but some stores sell the dried out ones and I like those. Don’t worry, our husbands see the woman they married in us–at least that’s what I want to take for granted.

  5. Karla, you crack me up!

    You just now got the underwear challenge? I’ve seen post from people who didn’t get the challenge, just took it. Can’t wait to see your answers! (Mine won’t appear until next Monday….)

  6. You had me in stitches throughout the whole piece, but when I came upon the “Pangea of olditude”, I just about peed my granny panties. And then you struck again with, “people are starving in Outer Slobonia”….at which time I lost it.
    As the ghost of Dumbledore says in one of those Harry Potter flicks, “you know how to turn a phrase”. And turn you do!

    Awesomely hilarious.

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