Shorts + wicker = Chenille marks

Yesterday they were running a blood drive at the mall, so my impulsive nature ended me with a needle in my arm. I should have been nervous, but instead I was thinking ruefully that the mesh chair was going to leave waffle marks on my bare thighs. Since summer officially started one week ago, I thought I’d repeat a blog I wrote last year.

OK, I get it. As we get older our skin loses elasticity. You push two solid masses together, and the squishier one is going to give first, often oozing into each nook and cranny of the firmer surface. That was fine when I was a thirteen year old gymnast with thighs like granite—not as much 40 years later on those days when oxygen feels firmer than my thighs.

Shorts + Wicker = Chenille marks

Years ago, bathrobes and bedspreads were often made of a soft white material decorated with nubs, like little knots lined up into patterns. The problem with the chenille bedspread was that if you tried to sneak a nap, you’d wake up with drool on your pillow and telltale indentations on your face. Chenille may be a thing of the past, but sagging skin is not.

As we officially kick off summer, let us remember these simple senior fashion rules:

Be aware of the location of your thighs at all times. Grass, towels, and most lawn furniture is going to leave a mark. Resist the urge to sit down until after dark.

Sun + skin = Age spots

The same sun that used to give you a glowing tan will now give your face all the luster of a Guernsey cow (brown and white spots, for those of you not born in a barn). Once mother nature has blotched up your skin, it will take faithful use of sunscreen, expensive cosmetics, and the rest of your life to unblotch.

Bathing suit + middle age spread = disaster

I haven’t had the courage to go bathing suit shopping yet. I’m thinking that there is no day so hot that I am willing to bare that much doughy skin in public. Even trying on a one-piece is going to require panels, lycra, and a bottle of lighter fluid, so if necessary, I can set fire to the dressing room to draw the eye away from my trouble spots.

13 thoughts on “Shorts + wicker = Chenille marks

  1. I’m allergic to bathing suits so I have to wear the same one I’ve worn for umpteen years now. It’s finally hypoallergenic from all the chlorine and sun rays. I don’t go into convulsions every time I put it on as I would any other bathing suit. I think it’s the familiarity of it. It’s like my blanky. That’s probably why people stare when I suck my thumb at the pool. And my skin? I can play connect-the-dots with my age spots now. I’m not particularly proud of that fact, but it does keep me occupied when I’m bored.

  2. LOL! Well, I have’t worn a swim suit since before I had children. I might brave it this year, but I’m still so self conscious. It cracks me up when I see a rather larg woman strutting around in next to nothing like she is the hottest thing out there!

    • It makes you wonder if these women have mirrors. There are some very attractive suits for larger women. I know, because I own one.

  3. I hear ya, sister….bathing suits, skorts with not long enough shorts underneath, lawn furniture that’s not cushioned….yeah, that spells discomfort right there. I hate wearing my bathing suit, but since were going camping soon, it will be required that I wear one. UGH! But, to avoid such situations, it’s hard. Or, soft as the case may be….

  4. This post would have been absolutely hilarious if it hadn’t been so painfully true! Loved it! Thanks for a great laugh this morning!

  5. That’s why my hot tub is bathing suit optional. Of course I only use it after dark.

  6. Gee, thanks, Karla! I was looking forward to summer until I read this….

  7. Karla, tell Christina that larger women wear bathing suits too. End of story. LOL.

  8. I do everyone a favor and wear a shirt in addition to my bathing suit when I go swimming. No one needs to see ape-man.

  9. Great advice for us. Hey, my public bathing suit has a skirt on it. lol That way I don’t hurt anyone’s eyes.

  10. So funny and still so sadly true!
    “As we get older our skin loses elasticity”
    If my skin were my underwear it would be around my ankles.

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