World domination, if it’s not too much trouble

You know you’re a writer when:

You vacillate between thinking your poop doesn’t smell, and wondering why you ever thought you were clever.

You put off running to Wal-Mart for your meds, because you just thought up the perfect ending for your blog, chapter, article, or Advanced Directive. (The doctors love a good laugh before they pull the plug.)

You have nightmares about not backing up your hard drive. They usually involve rabbits, tequila, and a phallic symbol.

You forget to eat, shower, and go to the bathroom when you’re writing. Even flies give you a wide berth.

Personally, words don’t just flow naturally from my brain to my laptop. Writers talk about having a fire in the belly, compelling them to write. I call that heartburn. I’m chewing a Tums as I write this.

I’ve been looking at a lot of other people’s blogs lately. They make it seem so effortless. I hesitate to admit that writing is hard, lest anyone think that I am not the real deal. But there you have it: my allotment of insecurity for the day.

Go ahead and ooh and aah and be impressed with my vulnerability in putting my doubts into words. It’s all part of my master plan for world domination. Every writer worth his salt has a master plan. Most of us are egomaniacs with an inferiority complex. We are a dichotomy, an enigma, and other writery words.

Through it all, writers maintain a tenuous grip on sanity. Rarely do we feel the urge to gouge our eyes out with a Chapstick while waiting in the quick check aisle. Exceptions include but are not limited to Rhonda Gorst’s 32 expired coupons for Cup ‘O Noodles. Why do you think they put Chapstick in the quick check aisle? The point is that you can tell my psychiatrist that I am not a danger to myself or others.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to run to Wal-Mart for my meds, before I start dancing in the neighbor’s geraniums … again.

10 thoughts on “World domination, if it’s not too much trouble

  1. Karla, I’ve written books that came so easily they were done in a matter of weeks, and others were such a long and difficult labor I kept asking for an epidural.

    The creative process not only varies from writer to writer, but from novel to novel.

    Pass those Tums, please!

  2. @William: The best thing to do with world domination is announce it to everyone that you are going to do it. No one will believe you and then they’ll be caught by surprise.

  3. You’re far too modest, Karla. You make it look easy. Either that or you’re a telepathic evil mastermind plagiarist. We’ll visit you in jail and/or the funny farm, depending on how it goes with that prescription.

    • Bring a cake with a file in it. Can I hide out at your place while I’m on the lamb?

  4. I was just checking out how the world domination thing was coming along. You’re really funny and it seems effortless to me. Of course, perception is never reality now is it? I spent the whole damn day adding pictures to my posts. UGGGHHHHH…ttyl

  5. So true.

    You skip eating, sleeping, just to get that last paragraph perfect.

    You are so right.

    Others, just don’t understand.

    Loved this post.

    Thank you, because sometimes I wonder? Am I alright?

  6. This post is point-on and the title is priceless! I’m otherwise speechless as you already said it all.

    Very enjoyable!

    Terri

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