Every kiss begins with Crest

It’s not just for cavities anymore! According to a couples’ counselor who appeared on Deal or no Deal, the most important element in a successful relationship is personal hygiene. I know! If I hadn’t heard it on a game show, I wouldn’t believe it myself. To think, all that time I wasted trying to save my first marriage with honest communication and compromise, and all I needed to do was floss.

Back in the second grade, I would pick up my best friend at her house each morning to walk to school together. The last thing her mom would do before my friend left the house was to clean under her nails. I generally still had yesterday’s mud pies under my nails. Obviously, I was doomed to a life of spinsterhood.

Let’s be brutally honest, if little girls were made of sugar and spice and everything nice, there would be no need for mouth wash, panty liners, or exfolliants. So what did they do before deodorant to keep a marriage alive? Is there any hope for a woman who likes garlic bread and a man whose shoes smell like old cheese?

I’d like to make a case for mutual respect over shiny teeth for strengthening a marriage. A few weeks ago, my husband asked me to examine his butt to see if the bump on said backside was a boil or a pimple. If I hadn’t had the highest respect for his good character and flawless skills with power tools, this might have been grounds for a trial separation.

I worked with a girl who would just turn on the water and pretend that she was washing her hands after using the toilet. I never figured out the reasoning behind this deception, but it certainly is an obvious breach of the trust necessary for a lasting marriage. How can love survive if you can’t trust your partner to keep the boudoir free of dysentery?

My husband is meticulous in warning me when he finishes in the bathroom, if the area should be declared a hazardous waste area for the next 30 minutes. Let me assure you, Mr. Couples’ Counselor, good communication skills should not be discounted.

There will always be an ick factor in any relationship where the sloughing off of dead skin cells is concerned. Our human condition makes that an unavoidable reality. So by all means, brush your teeth and wash your hair, but make sure that your relationship can weather the storms of physical indignities that Mother Nature dishes out.

Dammit! I think I’m getting a zit on my chin.

19 thoughts on “Every kiss begins with Crest

  1. I was all ready for breakfast, but now I think I’ll wait a while.

  2. Your post is funny, but true! Respect and consideration can go a long way.

  3. “Love is not for the faint of heart.”

    Nor for the tart who likes to fart, unless her
    Mate can relegate each
    Faux-pas to strange
    Art…

  4. ‘pimple or boil on the butt’……….funnier than one might think, but I’ll spare you that story. After Joan’s stroke, and her subsequent recovery, we found that she could no longer trim her toenails, as her right hand motor skills remained weak. So, being the ever-so-devoted partner that I am, I tried to trim her toenails. Turns out, I have a weak stomach. Who knew. Something good did come of this, however! We now go for luxurious pedicures at the spa every couple of months.
    But yes, hygiene is vital to me. Cannot stand cheesy feets. Ewwwwww.

  5. “I was all ready for breakfast, but now I think I’ll wait a while.”

    I can relate. Suddenly my appetite for lunch went out the window.

    • I know! What’s with that? I always wondered why in romance novels, nobody has morning breath.

  6. Funny post! Everyday in school, I had dirt under my fingernails, however, I liked to play with dolls too. But, there is no excuse for not washing your hands after using the facilities. However, that’s a good idea to warn your significant other that the bathroom should be declared a toxic waste dump!!

    • I’m not sure who this girl thought she was fooling. I made a point not to touch anything on her desk.

  7. My husband is meticulous in his grooming. So am I. But it has nothing to do with the love we have for each other. This guy secretly gets checks from Beauty companies, I bet. Love is looking at your partner and you see that person as you had on the first day you met. Loved this blog, Karla

  8. Ha. Love this. It’s exactly what I was writing about in my post “Hot Sex!”. The reality is a little less than sugar and spice – let’s just get the ick factor out there up front. Ah love… sweet, smelly love.

  9. Having survived a coupla marriages and now plodding through the singles realm, and I must say that your pointers go double for daters. If I smell something funny, as in funny ew!, I’m so outta there. At this rate, I’ll never find a last/lasting partner.

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