When irony bites you in the butt

My husband is one of the worst gift receivers that I know. He’ll open a present, look at it appraisingly, then tell you why it’s not good enough. He got his NASCAR tickets yesterday, but they were just E tickets printed off the computer. “Gee, they’re not slick and glossy and commemorative.” What? Did he want to frame them?

The coup de gras came when he received his present from me, a new toilet seat. You have to understand that my husband takes his Sudoku and the crossword puzzle into the bathroom with him. The kids got him new Sudoku books and an electonic poker game (for special occasions). They explained that on Sundays (the Lord’s day) he can play poker while pooping. How well they know him!

My gift, however, met with his usual lack of appreciation. He’s been asking for a new toilet seat, and I finally came through. It was not, however, padded. If I really loved him, I would forget my distaste for sitting on anything squishy, and get the toilet seat that he really wanted.

“Look sweetie, it has the new no-slam lid.”

Grumble, grumble.

“It’s bacteria resistant.”

More grumbling.

Some people just don’t appreciate the latest in toilet technology. Unfortunately, I no sooner said this, than I felt the call of nature myself. I settled in, then realized I was going to be there for awhile—long enough to regret my choice of bathroom appliances. A no-slam lid suddenly seemed pretty unimportant.

Now he wants a refrigerator with a television mounted in the door. No way am I getting him the 42” big screen model with the built in ice maker, but maybe I may relent and get the one with the poker game.

15 thoughts on “When irony bites you in the butt

  1. It’s a cruel wife who buys the non-squishy toilet seat and then expects her husband to be grateful. Poor hubby. I bought my (long ago) husband a chain saw for Christmas and he just looked and me calmly and said, “Terri. I don’t want this. Why would you think I would want this?” I was a little hurt, but instead of crying, I tried to plead my case. “Honey, you keep complaining about the cost of having a cord of wood delivered for the fireplace. This way you can go into the woods and cut your own.” I got nothing but a blank stare. I continued. “But honey, think of it this way. We could go together. Make it a date. Sounds romantic, huh?” More staring. Silence. I still don’t know, to this day, why we ever got divorced.

    • Oh, man! If only I’d thought of a chain saw. men love noisy stuff capable of hacking off limbs – all kinds of limbs. I’m sure he would have worshiped the ground I walk on.

  2. How dare you not buy the squishy toilet seat…

    I hate squishy toilet seats…especially when they crack, then you sit down and it pinches your ass…hate that!

  3. Well, I know exactly what I should get mine for his birthday…a new wife!

  4. Oh that is too funny! Why is it that men like to read or whatever while on the john? I do my business and move on quickly.!

  5. I am so happy I’m the only person who sits on my toilet seat………

  6. For my Birthday, I once received a set of metal shelves for the garage. I am still shaking my head over that one. At least a toilet seat is personal–sort of.

    • Good, at least there’s another person in this world with the XY chromosomes that doesn’t.

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