You’re invited to a coronary event

Last Saturday, the brakes were firmly applied to my June butt-busting. Towards the end of my book signing, I started having chest pains. I made the two-hour drive home, fed the dog, watered the plants, balanced the checkbook, and went to the emergency room.

After slapping oxygen on me, taking an EKG, giving me three nitroglycerin tablets, and leaving me with just enough blood to fill a shot glass, the nurse went to get the doctor. I could swear he was young enough that his voice hadn’t changed yet.

Doogie Howser announced that this was not a cardiac event. Hooray! But he wanted to keep me in the hospital to do a stress test. Boo! I swore that I would get a stress test Monday, signed the release form, went out to the parking lot, and (since the nitro had eased up the chest pain) lit up a celebratory cigarette.

When I called Monday to schedule the stress test, they asked me, what kind? Um, Doogie hadn’t mentioned that there were different kinds. After I waited a few days for them to find my records, they scheduled me for next week. I’m supposed to wear workout clothes and jogging shoes.

This presented a problem since I haven’t jogged since I got pregnant 32 years ago. If I wear the special walking shoes I recently bought, I can reduce the cellulite on my butt while making sure that I don’t have a pulmonary blockage. I’m all about any opportunity to multi-task.

Don’t think that I’m not taking this seriously. I seriously freak if I feel the slightest pain in my chest, experience numbness in my hands, or see a re-run of America’s Next Top Model. For God’s sake, practice your runway walk, Lauren.

I don’t expect to have a massive coronary, major stoke, or sudden desire to see Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer. But then, I also didn’t expect to be banned from donating blood at the Red Cross because of the possibility that I have mad cow disease. I think I would have noticed by now if I did.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if I found out the chest pain is caused by mad cow disease?

16 thoughts on “You’re invited to a coronary event

  1. Oh my goodness, Karla! Take care of yourself, my friend! And you will rock that stress test. If you need help, just give me a call and I’ll conjure you up a visual of George Clooney running just ahead of you. That will take your mind off things. Well most things.
    I’m off to practice up my conjuring skills. I’m sure that “Conjuring for Idiots” book is around here somewhere.

    HUGS my friend!

    • Mmmm! George Clooney is definitely worth the workout (and butt-firming shoes).

  2. Poor Doogie must be wondering why everyone calls him that at the hospital. It’s not his fault he breezed through med school at the age of fifteen….

    Think of cats purring to relieve stress!

    • I just prefer a doctor who has completed adolescence … and doesn’t ride his skateboard to work.

      • The problem with wishing for a “mature doctor” is that most doctors older than us are already dead.

        (Hope it’s nothing Karla 🙂 )

        • Thanks, sweetie. I guess I should specify that I’d like a doctor with a little maturity and a pulse.

  3. If Doogie ordered tests, then there should be an appointment made for you right there and then…even if it is next week.

    Doctors can be stupid…that’s why they have nurses around them.

  4. Oh dear Karla, I hope it turns out to be similar to my chest pains–they’re caused by gas.

  5. I hope everything turns out okay! Humor is the best medicine so you should be healthy!

  6. I’ve had every stress test known to man. With a family history like mine and a past heart attack, they do tests if I get a twinge in my chest.

    Hope this goes well for you, Karla. Keep us posted!

    • Thanks, Norma- I’m not expecting any big, unpleasant surprises, unless I lose my footing and fall off the treadmill.

  7. Karla, I hope you do well and that it is nothing. Keep us posted! Take care of yourself. Best thing, stay relaxed. Maybe watch some comedy movies! I’ll keep you in my prayers. Oh, and before you let them stick you on tons of meds, get other opinions! they did that once to me, and later I got weak and they found out I really didn’t need the meds after all! Natural meds are best, if possible. But please take this seriously! Take care!

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