One of the most common diseases associated with aging is hypochondria. If you experience ringing in your ears, difficulty reading fine print, increased ear wax, a rash that will not go away, muscle stiffness, or a sudden craving for raspberry sherbet, you may be suffering from hypochondria.

Symptoms include, whining, spending countless hours at the doctor’s office, excessive squinting, and examining your backside in the mirror. Medical research has shown that this is not a life-threatening condition, it’s just annoying to all the people around you. The problem is that so many legitimate medical conditions can be mistaken for hypochondria, so let’s start with the basics. It may not be hypochondria if:

• Your urine comes out chunky
• You develop a mole that look like a map of the London underground system
• Blood is outside of your body
• You are paying your kids’ college tuition to Lens Crafters
• You experience numbness in any body part other than your hair
• You have trouble remembering your address, social security number, or the recipe for a glass of water

The point is that we’re really bad at diagnosing ourselves, and should always err on the side of caution. (Shameless disclaimer to avoid lawsuits by anyone who ignores a life-threatening condition as a result of reading this article.)

Television advertising is no help at all. The drug companies recommend that you ask your doctor about Speufar if you experience thoughts of mounting a machine gun to your shopping cart in the quick checkout line. Who hasn’t?

Side effects may include dry mouth, blinking, trouble finding the remote, and loss of interest in housework. Stop taking Speufar and consult your doctor immediately if you experience difficulty swallowing, lactation, constipation lasting more than two years, the ability to belch the theme song from Rocky, or chunky urine.

In rare cases, Speufar has been associated with liver disease, aneurysms, and sudden death. (Speufar is a total fabrication and should not be associated with any drug currently on the market, Let your highly paid lawyers find a loophole in that one, Lilly.)

Someday we will find a cure for this disease, and stem the tide of suffering by you or a loved one affected by hypochondria. In the meantime, try not to annoy your family with complaints about your brain tumor.

The opinions expressed in this article are the result of insomnia and are not supported by the American Medical Association or basic common sense.