I don’t want grandchildren. I know, I’ll probably get my ass kicked by every woman with a wallet full of photos of Aiden (one of the 10 most popular names for boys: really people, get a grip) making mud pies. My resolve was reinforced yesterday, when I was put in charge of a two year-old boy for 15 minutes of hell.
We were in a public building, and Mom and Dad were busy filling out paperwork. They put me in charge of their sweet little bundle of attention deficit determination. Within seconds, I lost track of him and turned around just in time to see him pulling letters off the board that read, “Please keep children supervised at all times.”
I used every parenting trick I could remember to keep him from flinging himself down a grassy slope and into the duck pond. What does the bee say? What does the cow say? What is the square root of 139? (Trick question: it’s a prime number.) All the while, he trustingly took my hand and dragged me through bushes, up and down stairs, and into the men’s bathroom. The kid has a good grip.
Don’t get me wrong. He’s a good kid, and no more hyperactive than the average two year-old … who’s just consumed three candy bars and a double espresso. I have no illusion of my ability to catch him if he made a break for it. No problem. Lately, small children seem to be attracted to me like flies to poop. They have an innate ability to corner the only adult in a crowded room who doesn’t want to pick boogers off their noses.
I hesitate to even write this blog. Parents and grandparents get rather miffed if you’re not delighted with little “Aiden.” I still enjoy visiting my friends who are up to their herniated disks in grandchildren, but even if you rescued me from a burning building, don’t expect me to repay the favor by babysitting.
My daughters have been kind enough to let their biological clocks keep ticking. Even though there’s no longer any need to clean cloth diapers in boiling bleach, the only bottom I want to wipe is my own. Am I a bad person because I don’t want to be around little ankle biters? Just rescue me from a burning building and find out for yourselves.
I don’t see myself ever becoming a father, what with my not liking kids. My parents don’t pressure me for grandchildren, fortunately. They have plenty of those as it is.
Parents, especially those with new tykes, so often seem entirely mystified by those who aren’t delighted by kids.
High five! They say it’ll be different when you have your own. They lie!
Most two year olds are extremely hyper but once you get past that stage things get better. I’m sure you’d feel differently if you had a grandchild of your own. I don’t like other peoples kids either.
Fortunately, God gave two year-olds the cuteness factor, balancing out their need to flush the cat down the toilet.
Lovely post – thanks for the laughs! I’ve got 3 kids, oldest is 14, and the future depresses the hell out of me. Once I’ve raised my own kids, I’m going to be buggered if I’ll raise theirs!
Ooh! A tweenager. They really are delightful (wait for it) other than about 22 hours a day. It’s one of those “best of times / worst of times” things.
With all the mommy and grandmommy blogs out there, it is so refreshing to read this one. I do have grandkids, but they are long-distance grandkids and I’m okay with occasional visits. I’ve never been very good with little kids actually. I think I was okay with my sons when they were little, but truth be told, I’ve forgotten most of it. So kudos to you for your bravery.
When the deluge of “shame on you’s” come rolling in, I’ll be standing right behind you. And since I’m a lot bigger than you, I’ll probably take some of the abuse. I am that kind of a friend. You can count on me. When the going gets tough, I can shake in my boots with the best of them. Unless someone else wants that position, and then I’ll just stand behind them.
You are a true friend to willingly take some of the fallout. I haven’t seen the torches and pitchforks yet, so maybe we’re out of the woods.
Ankle biters? LOL
I have nominated you for an award. No joke. Not spam.
http://authorgkadamsdotcom1.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/an-award-its-an-award/
Karla, my friend, you seem to draw in the spammers like moths to a flame….
Mine wasn’t spam. 🙁 The other 2, yes.
Don’t worry, sweetie, you passed my exhaustive background check procedure. When I spell your name backwards, it doesn’t come out as “nude poodles.” Thanks so much for nominating me for a blogging award!