Moms, you had your chance

In a few weeks we’ll be honoring the men who put up with our curses while we were in labor. Sure, we wished them all to go to hell and die (in that order) while they were telling us to pant and blow, but what they do after the umbilical cord is cut is the true measure of a father.

My ex wanted to take part in all the baby chores. Not realizing that at a certain age, babies can roll over, he stepped away from the changing table TWICE in the same diapering, with the same result. Babies hitting terrazzo (glorified concrete) floors make a sound something like smashing melons.

He was a Navy man, so I went with a group of wives to visit him in Perth, Australia when the ship was in port there. The ship’s doctor was so delighted to see his baby that he threw said bundle of joy in the air, forgetting that the wardroom had low ceilings. “Merely a glancing blow,” he said, as his wife yelled at him and the other moms looked on in horror.

There are some jobs that seem to be specific to fatherhood. Teaching kids to ride a bike, tossing a baseball, bailing his daughter out of jail when she’s caught on the street at 4:00 AM with a pill from Mom’s medicine cabinet in her pocket. We didn’t mention that one in the annual Christmas letter.

When I remarried, my husband had no children of his own. My kids were grown and out of the house, so he thought he was off the hook. Hahahahahaha! My kids latched onto him like a boil on your butt.

Fathers generally get the short end of the stick. On TV they are portrayed as dufuses, and fatherhood doesn’t get the good press that motherhood receives. They take the joke cards, t-shirts, and singing fish with good humor.

Men, once your swimmers hit the egg, the real work has just begun. Remember to thank God for the burned toast and runny eggs, and be sure to check the ceiling height before tossing your kids in the air.

7 thoughts on “Moms, you had your chance

  1. OMG…that was too funny….

    I was always afraid that I would bonk the kids head on the bannister when I was bringing her downstairs. I think my hubby was just afraid he would break her. When he bonked her head on something once, she fell asleep…he thought he’d given her a concussion. Silly men…but, we love em’.

  2. Being a father, eh…….?

    Wish my daughter would write to me 🙁

  3. It’s funny…back in the ’50s, the TV dads were the ones with all the wisdom and respect. By the ’90s, the moms had taken over.

    Like a boil on the butt, huh? Nice image…and a very funny blog, Karla!

  4. Good one. Some Dads do seem rather dense!

    I just finished reading Fire In The Hole! I enjoyed it very much; it elicited lots of chuckles.

  5. Funny stuff! Love the changing table and boil on the butt parts. Both my ex’s were afraid to touch the babies. So was I. Thank God my boys had their grandmas. I was the clutsy..est Mom around.

  6. My wife never was in labor and she was knocked out for Chris’s birth so I didn’t get all that cursing. Instead, I would work all day, come home and spend some time with the baby, only to have her steal him after 10 minutes even though she had him all day.

    I would say “Hey, what the hell are you doing?”

    She’d say “Hmph. My baby.”

  7. “…bailing his daughter out of jail when she’s caught on the street at 4:00 AM with a pill from Mom’s medicine cabinet in her pocket.”

    You do realize that now you must share details.

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