You’re not too old to spank

Today is my mom’s birthday. Let’s see, that makes her 55 + 22 carry the two = getting up there. Mom was an innovator—her punishments fit the crime. I once ate a booger and she washed my mouth out with soap. This was a bar of Ivory that had been sitting on the bathroom sink for weeks and used by everyone in my family after wiping their butts. I never ate a booger again.

She once told me that she liked to use the wooden spoon for spankings because it stung real good without leaving a mark. Most muggings are not thought out so well.

She forced me to drink Metamucil and Phillips Milk of Magnesia if my bowels weren’t moving fast enough for her satisfaction. Where parents now have to keep their kids in sight at all times, Mom sent us out to play in the sunshine, then locked the door.

She’s always been my staunchest supporter, which means that she’s reading this right now, so we just won’t mention the hootchie pictures of her wearing (gasp) Capri pants and a tight sweater. We just don’t like to think of our mothers that way. Come to think of it, my kids know all about me, my husband’s 40th birthday, and the French maid’s costume. At least there were no poodles involved.

Pressing on.

My mom lives in Arizona, which is a long haul from New York—totally irrelevant, since I live in South Carolina, home of spiders the size of miniature schnauzers. It’s not the first place I’ve lived where the spiders could beat you with a stick if they felt so inclined. Despite Mom’s arachnophobia, she’s come to visit me everywhere I’ve lived. That’s love!

So I’d just like to say, thank you to my mom for all the things she’s taught me, her unfailing support, and her love. And yes, Mom, I am too old to spank.

9 thoughts on “You’re not too old to spank

  1. I never ever got my mouth washed out with soap, but I did get the fly-swatter once across my behind. And, it wasn’t even my fault. Go figure.

  2. I can’t remember any spankings…

    But then, I was so petrified by my father’s attitude and the fact that he was a minister that I was a little angel…

    Until I left home 🙂

  3. Happy Birthday Karla’s Mom! Today’s my partner’s birthday too.
    We got whoopings growing up. I was a naughty girl from birth and deserved them all, I suppose. Dad didn’t want to whoop us girls, but Mom would make us go cut our own “hickory” as she called them. Southern for a stick, and it had better not be too smooth. Dad would heehaw around and make excuses for pro-longing our punishments, then Mom would get impatient and give us the whooping herself. OUCH. We screamed really loud so she wouldn’t hit us but a couple times. That was our only defense for this 5’2″, 99 pound ball of hellfire called Momma.

  4. Happy birthday to Karla’s mom! Thank you for giving us Karla, who makes us laugh 3x a week. 🙂

  5. About the spiders… I once shared a house with a college friend. One day there was a spider the size of a Volkswagen in the basement and I talked about it endlessly. Getting sick of the story, my roomie finally said, “The more you talk about, the smaller it’s going to become.”

  6. No spiders for me, either.

    Your mom sounds like a real character, Karla. You should make her one in your book.

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