Janet Evanovich’s writing is funny, sparkling, and a bit off the wall. In a recent interview she stated that she’s not all that funny in person. If I were a wildly successful, petite redhead, we could be twins.
I don’t entertain often, because my guests tend to slip into comas before they can even finish their ramen noodles. My mealtime conversations consist mainly of slurps, and when I whip out my Power Point presentation on cute monkey tricks it’s generally met with “look at the time!”
I used to enjoy watching late night talk shows so I could take perverse pleasure in the look of panic in the eyes of un-funny celebrities when the host would deviate from their pre-planned patter.
“…then the raccoon bared it’s little fangs at me…”
“I hear that Paris Hilton keeps a sacrificial Chihuahua on hand for just that eventuality.”
“…and gave me the finger.”
I like to hang out with clever people, who can make witty remarks at the same time that they are calculating the value of pi in their heads, and training their ferrets to jump through a hoop. Who wouldn’t?
There are probably one or two scientists out there using government grants to figure out if being funny is nature or nurture. If funny is hereditary, I’m doomed. Dad told very bad puns and planned out his funny well in advance. He owned a foam rubber crab hat.
Being a mother didn’t help. I thought that stories of how the baby burped up on me were worth hours of hilarity. My accounts of their growth percentile met with polite smiles, and at cocktail hour even the other moms fled to the far side of the room when they saw me coming. Really, you’d think that if people were sufficiently liquored up, they’d laugh at my poop jokes.
My funniest comeback: a friend was telling my husband how the new socially acceptable term for nerds was “dweebs.”
Me: “Gee, honey. I guess that means we’ll have to change the monograms in your underwear.”
You had to be there.
I actually am already worrying about what to say when I become a famous humor writer and have to go to book signings. I’ll be the one walking around in the crab hat.