Strutting your stuff downtown

Is there a correlation between blushing and spontaneous combustion? I’m afraid that if I read Fifty Shades of Gray, I might find out. I’m kind of a vanilla girl, so I admit to some ignorance about safe words, harnesses, and why some people spend good money to see Carrot Top.

I pride myself on an extensive vocabulary, so I was surprised yesterday, when my daughter used a word I’ve never heard before: merkin. I blame it on my revulsion at watching The Real Housewives of Anywhere. Apparently, one of these women sells merkins.

I looked up merkin on Wikipedia, and was nearly blinded by a picture of a hot pink hairpiece pasted to a woman’s lady parts. A merkin is a pube wig!! Even though I’m genetically predisposed to post-menopausal hair loss, there is no way I’m going to walk around with dryer lint glued to my naughty parts.

The first step in wearing a merkin is to have all your God-given hair south of the navel yanked out by the roots. Merkins are for people who like to shake it up with different colors and textures. PETA has recently issued statements condemning the use of animal fur to cover these particular bald spots, although they were blushing as they said it.

Are you shitting me?

Yes, you can purchase a fox or mink merkin. Personally, if I had mink, I’d have my hand down my pants 24/7. I can just imagine the indignant look on the fox who learned that his fur would be used as a human hall runner.

Not to be outdone, they’ve come out with a new line for men called the Jerkin’ Merkin. (OK, I totally made that up, but it has a nice ring to it.) The question on everyone’s mind at this point is, “Are they dry clean only?” I can’t imagine the cleaning bill for such a specialty item, or the looks on people’s faces when you pick up your pubes at the dry cleaners.

What you do in the privacy of your own pants is your own business, but I don’t think there will ever come a day when I decide to super glue something to one of the most sensitive parts of my body. Taking it off would be a bitch.

14 thoughts on “Strutting your stuff downtown

  1. Amen sistah. Well, after I picked my bottom lip up off the floor, I was speechless. Ok maybe not. But I was almost speechless. Problem is, this is just too good not to comment on. So. There were so many LMFAO parts about this post, I can’t speak to each one. I mean, Jerkin Merkin? Freaking priceless.
    However, my very favorite coffee-spewing statement, without a doubt was, “Personally, if I had mink, I’d have my hand down my pants 24/7.”

    There.Are.Just.No.Words.

    You are quite simply, a genius of the funny.

    • I was pulling my hair out trying to start this blog, because there were just so many priceless directions it could go.

  2. I…..

    That is….

    Well, you see…

    Damn. I’m at a loss for words!

    Very funny, Karla!

    • Shopping around, regular fake pubes go for about $195. You have to take out a second mortgage to get the mink.

  3. I’m with Christina. I’d be spending all my time to get rid of the muff, not make more of it, or even dye it.

    Of course, it would help if I could actually see it…

    • I see no compelling reason to take a close look at that part of my anatomy.

  4. First they had bedazzled vajayjays and now this! If you have to work that hard to get a man to look at your vagina there must be something seriously wrong with you!

  5. Try velcro instead of superglue.
    BTW, I’m proud to say I have never heard of the Merkin. I have been so sheltered. Thanks Karla for shedding some light on a hairy situation.

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