I get regular friendly email reminders from FTD to tell me that I have a problem with procrastination. In my defense, it’s often just a case of being an inconsiderate boob being forgetful. Flowers say: a) I walked past the greeting card aisle three times, and was so focused on deodorant and Tootsie Pops that I forgot to stop and select some crappy card containing a heartfelt sentiment; or b) I’m out of stamps.
My mom lives in Arizona, and I don’t. My laughable budget doesn’t allow me to get much farther than the corner supermarket: a considerable distance from her house. Since I can’t be with her for Mother’s Day, I carry her in my heart.
Here are some of the things she taught me, that I have tried to pass along to my children. Editor’s note: I am not making this up.
Paddling is best done with a wooden spoon. It stings real good without leaving a mark that would alert child welfare authorities.
Chores should be a family affair. Just don’t drop the old barn on any member of the family while tearing it down.
Teach your children to do it right the first time. For example: the proper use of firearms should be exercised at all times if you live next to an international airport. (Obviously, this was before the days of Homeland Security).
Play with your children, even if it involves running around in the backyard throwing pancakes at each other. Don’t include syrup, because that would just be weird.
Teach your children proper nutrition. Stamp glue doesn’t count as a food group.
Finally, be sure to worship together–unless you find a church that provides a bus to whisk your kids to Sunday School while you sleep in.
I encourage you to cherish the memories, and show your heartfelt appreciation to the woman who bore you with those special words: Mom, your crappy card is in the mail.
Oh, my…my parents did find a church that had a bus…and they did sleep in! It was a cafeteria church…the pastor was selective about which Commandments he thought needed to be observed. He was the biggest gossip in town….
A la carte commandments–I like that.
Ah, a heartfelt and unique tribute to Mom! You are a good daughter. And don’t knock the stamp glue. It’s probably helped to make you the successful, witty writer you are today. Well, that and your raw talent. You Rock. And? Happy Mothers Day to you!
Thanks, sweetie … you too! Hope your boys know what a great mom they have! I’m lucky that my mom has a good sense of humor. She lived with a man who wore a crab hat and told bad puns.
If you must drop the barn on a family member, of course, make sure it’s one you dislike, right?
Did you have someone in mind for your family?
Let’s see, two harpy sisters, an idiot ex-brother-in-law….
Happy Mother’s Day Karla!
Thanks, Eve — you too!
Kind of sounds like my own family, minus the pancakes and padded paddle. I wouldn’t have minded some padding. Happy Mother’s Day!
Thanks, Carla. I was pretty good at flinging the flapjack!
I’m one of those bad kids that doesn’t like buying/sending cards…however, mom always gets something nice…Flowers or jewellery is the usual fair…and, I can see my mom within an hour…that’s always nice. Don’t live close enough for her to bother me and not far enough that I can’t see her either…unlike my inlaws…
Mother’s deserve all the praise they can get because it’s a hard job but your mother obviously did a good job with you.