I know for a fact that there’s something crawling around in my computer, probably evil, pointy toothed clowns. I hate when that happens. I keep getting “Stop Script,” my internet freezes, and I suspect that it’s shrinking my clothes, which would go a long way towards explaining camel toes and muffin tops.

I called up technical support and laid out $300 for them to move my cursor around and work their magic. It wasn’t until much later that I thought, “Mario can see everything inside my computer.” I’ve never met Mario, and although he was nice enough to recommend the two year package, he could be some demented sociopathic computer axe murderer.

Now I’ve let some complete stranger see my secret coconut macaroon recipe. Oh, and that whole identity theft thing. After the fact, but before telling my husband, I looked up reviews for them. I got redirected to “Scammers and Spammers.” Does this mean I’m going to get pop-up ads for Trojan condoms? I could live with that.

Naturally, I went to askleo.com, since Leo is the undisputed authority on all things computery. Leo assured me that the tech support company got a 92% satisfaction rating from some website watchdogs, and that lots of people are soft touches for high pressure sales pitches from Mario and door to door vacuum cleaner sales persons. I’m not the only yahoo out there with a credit card and a fiscal death wish.

The trump card for my husband: this is cheaper than getting a new computer. Ha! I may have reduced a code red situation to a code orange. This means either a) grudging acceptance on his part, or b) the threat of a dirty bomb in the Vatican. With all due respect to the Pope, I’m voting for A.

I haven’t had a stop script message for awhile, and my computer is running much faster, so I guess it was worth it. I’m just waiting to see if my clothes stop shrinking.