Ten days too many

I’m on an odyssey to find the Malibu body of my dreams. The hype is that I can lose a dress size in 10 days by following a simple program. I think I’m making good progress.

Day one: Do the 45 minute total body workout, followed by 3 glasses of water and 4 sprigs of parsley. I checked the scale six times and turned sideways in the mirror every 15 minutes.

Day two: Got dragged behind a 120 pound hyperactive Doberman for 45 minutes. Ended up chasing two cars and a very worried looking teenager. Ate two pretzel rods, a head of cauliflower, and three fat free pudding cups. Checked the scale twice and looked in the mirror sideways (sucking gut) once.

Day three: 45 minute workout, followed by a diet soda, 3 cigarettes, and a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Stepped on the scale once, looked for the most flattering angle I could find in the mirror.

Day four: 45 minute crawl, which included one run like hell to flee the scene of the crime after the dog lost his breakfast in a neighbor’s front yard. I later drove back to clean up what felt like 40 pounds of yark. Bought a half gallon of raspberry sherbet, and looked for the biggest spoon in the kitchen. Avoided scale and mirrors.

Day five: Squeezed into a pre-menopausal exercise outfit. Got permanent lycra imprints on my thighs. Decided to skip the workout due to a constricting top and lack of oxygen. Polished off the raspberry sherbet.

Day six: Snuggled up with the dog to nap on the couch. Slept through an infomercial for the total body workout. Had a McGreasy burger for lunch and a porterhouse at the local steak house for dinner. Threw away the scale.

Day seven: Packed up the pilates chair for a speedy return to the manufacturer. My odyssey ends with regular trips from the computer to the refrigerator.

Oddly, I didn’t lose a dress size, only my sense of humor, and will to live. I think my next odyssey will be to Ye Old Ice Cream Shoppe. Sure, you have to deal with brain freeze, but no pain, no gain.

8 thoughts on “Ten days too many

    • I almost had to call the fire department to rescue me from lycra and spandex.

      • That actually happened on an episode of “Emergency!” … the medics had to cut a woman out of this body wrap thing. Getting healthy can be dangerous to your health!

  1. ROFLMFAO (middle F stands for Fat). Soooo freaking funny. I love your day Five! Takes me back to the one and only time I ever tried on a sports bra. It was ok for a minute, but then I was sure my breathing was constricted. The worst part came when I literally could not get the thing off. I was trapped. I had to call a sales person to the fitting room to help me out of the thing. I don’t remember, but I am quite sure I ate a pint of some kind of ice cream. Fudge.

  2. Whoever designed sports bras, obviously never had to get out of one. I had to use Vaseline, a claw hammer, and a kitchen chair–don’t ask.

  3. Ye Olde Ice Cream Shoppe is always a welcome destination!

    And what’s a yark?

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