Always use new underwear to wipe your car

Why is it illegal to carry a goldfish on a city bus in Seattle unless it remains still? Apparently, if your fish is sloshing around, it disturbs the other passengers. You also are not allowed to set fire to other people’s property without their permission, which makes arson legal under the right circumstances. I suppose the people most disturbed by the sound of sloshing water are the same ones who are setting fire to the backseat of city busses.

When I was growing up in Seattle, hanging was the mandatory form of capital punishment in Washington State. Now the default form is lethal injection, although you can still choose hanging if you prefer. Walla Walla, Washington has the only working gallows in the country for those idiots who have a fear of needles.

Washington is certainly not alone in its weird laws. In St. Louis, it is illegal to sit on the curb of a city street and drink beer from a bucket. In Hartford Connecticut, you are not allowed to cross the street while walking on your hands. In Boise, Idaho, residents may not fish while seated on a giraffe’s back. That doesn’t come up as often in New York or San Francisco, although in San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.

In New Jersey, you may not slurp your soup. In Pennsylvania, it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. In Texas, it is a felony to own more than six dildos (thank goodness I live in South Carolina). In Florida, unmarried women parachuting on Sundays risk arrest or a fine. If you’re in Cleveland, be sure to get your hunting license before you catch mice.

What on earth prompted this legislation? I’d always been proud of the fact that my hometown does not allow you to hitch your horse up backwards on city streets. Once I started reading about other ordinances still on the books, I realized that horse poop on the sidewalk is not the worst social injustice known to man. If only we’d known last week that in the U.S., idiots are not allowed to vote.

For more dumb laws, you can go to and look up your state.

7 thoughts on “Always use new underwear to wipe your car

  1. How does Texas do that dildo count? Is it like a census? If you own seven dildos, do you have to give one away or do you have to do hard time (pun intended). I can see some guy in the slammer. His cellmate asks, “What’re you in for, pal?”

    “I own eight dildos.”

    Whereupon the cellmate moves to the other side of the cell. As far as he can get. And he calls for the guard to see if another cell is available.

    At least now I know why those cops downtown keep harassing me. *hic hic*

    Where’s my beer bucket?

  2. Karla, I’m sure that law in Hartford still stands. Hartford is weird about pedestrians.. perhaps the because the likelihood of a drive-by is higher there than surrounding towns, they try to keep people off the streets at all costs. So, take my advice, if you ever come to Hartford DO NOT JAYWALK! You WILL get a ticket for not crossing the street in a crosswalk. Heh.

    • In Seattle you can get punched by a cop for jaywalking. And, of course, somebody got video of it on their phone. Along with racial slurs, shooting deaf homeless people, and working over innocent bystanders … we’re going to get a reputation.

  3. I’d like to say we Canadians don’t have stupid laws, but I’m sure a single perusal of a lawbook will find dozens.

    • In Canada, upon release from prison, you are supposed to receive a loaded gun and a horse so you can ride out of town.

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