I remember my apron in the closet right after I’ve stirred a batch of cookies or finished kneading bread dough. Since I’m not a neat baker, I generally end up with flour all down the front of my fuzzy red bathrobe. The robe emphasizes my wide butt and post menopausal belly, giving the effect of an abominable snowman with a sunburn. And why is it that I always wipe my hands on my butt, leaving big white handprints on my generous ass?

I hate to cook, but I love to bake: pies, bread, cakes, cookies, and bread. The bread bears repeating. I also clean as I cook to erase the evidence of my domestic debauchery. It looks like Keebler elves invaded my kitchen leaving nothing but a plate of snickerdoodles on the counter.

When I was still a slip of a girl, people asked me if I was an ex-model. Let’s just say that my fashion sense was “unusual.” No, people, I never stepped onto a catwalk wearing nothing but bubble wrap. Now it’s an endless cycle. I naturally eat what I bake, which keeps my thighs looking like Christmas hams. Add a red fuzzy robe and flour, and voila, Yeti!

It seemed only natural that I should change the name of my website to include the word “cookies.” Yes, while other people are offering autographed books that will be worth a fortune someday, I’m offering homemade cookies. To put your name in the hat, all you have to do is click on Register to the right, under Subscribe. Your email is strictly confidential, you have the option of creating a profile if you wish, and as always, you can still comment without logging in (because we know what a pain that is).

What registering gets you is free email updates (everyone loves the word “free”) of new posts. If our name is drawn, I’ll overnight you 2 dozen freshly baked cookies. I’ll even throw in the recipe for my Grandma’s vinegar cookies – not that you’d ever want to eat them. They’re an acquired taste. The cookies will be in bubble wrap to prevent crumbling. You are certainly free to wear the bubble wrap for a night on the town, if you are an ex-model.

Register by December 31 for a chance at the cookies. When I’m rich and famous you can make your friends jealous, by telling them that you ate my cookies and wore my bubble wrap. You’ll have to get your own fuzzy robe.