Cold turkey

Imagine that a clown car rolls up, but instead of (icky) clowns pouring out, you’re greeted by a bunch of beards and broad brimmed hats. At a rest stop in Pennsylvania, I saw just that today: an Amish clown car. While I missed their exit from the car, I got the full act when I stood in the wrong spot as they swarmed out of the men’s room. I was swept up, a lone sweatshirt emblazoned with the words “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong!” surrounded by a sea of plain.

I paused outside the door to light a cigarette and was horrified to see every man around me doing the same. THE AMISH SMOKE?! I’m a Harrison Ford fan, so I’ve watched The Witness about twenty times, and never saw the men taking a smoke break while raising a barn.

The only old geezer in my adopted tour group didn’t even bother to put out his cigarette while he went into the men’s room (according to my husband). I honestly think the Amish make up rules as they go. You can have electricity going to your barn but not to your house. You can ride around Pennsylvania in a mini-van, as long as you have an un-Amish driver.

I know that when an Amish youngster comes of age he takes a year off from his community, going on Rumspringa to participate in evil debauchery like Jäger, heroin, and bull riding … but smoking?

Even their cigarettes were not plain. You would expect hand rolled smokes, but they had filter tips, which means that the Amish go to convenience stores! Will the disillusionment never end?

Women my age will remember the Marlboro Man. Rugged, outdoorsy, and handsome, he puffed his way into our wet dreams. These men were also ruggedly handsome, but I’ve never had a wet dream involving suspenders, beards, and cigarettes. Of course, I haven’t gone to bed yet, so I make no promises for future nocturnal fantasies.

After finishing their cigarettes, my newfound posse queued up in an orderly line to repack themselves into the clown car, presumably on their way to the strip club. I only hope the establishment has a smoking section.

8 thoughts on “Cold turkey

  1. Oh Karla…you make me titter everytime I read one of your blogs. I must admit, we dont have a huge population of Amish around here, but I can honestly say I dont think Ive seen any of them smoking…must be an American Amish thing…of course, around here we have Mennenites…God only knows what they do…! LOL I do know that whomever they are, they dont ride in buggys anymore…its cars all the way.
    I think its time that they lost the beards though…Those are the most ugliest things Ive ever seen…Im not a beard woman, so I could never date an Amish or whatever.

    BTW, I clicked something and now I have french punctuation…hence, why there is no punctuation in the above….LOL

  2. ‘If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong! ‘ <—-I want that t-shirt.
    Amish folks. Yes, I have wondered how they insist on some rules and bend/break the others. There was a reality show some years ago, in which young Amish boys and girls coming of age went to L.A. (I may be wrong on the city) for their Rumspringa. I was enthralled by the stupidness of it all (and myself for watching). Some returned home after, some didn't. It was a drink/sex fest, much like The Real World, only not as glamorous.
    (I think I'll make up some new rules for myself….no more Amish reality shows)

  3. I said, “I’m not a beard woman…not a bearded woman”,….and you leave my one whisker alone…my hubby pulls it out. I don’t even know it’s there, then he comes along and pulls it out…I hate it when he does that…I’m so afraid that 7 more will grow back…

  4. So, Beth, you’re not a circus lady?

    What do twelve Amish men say when they get into a van?

    “You be careful out there among those English. And don’t drink Karl’s apple cider.”

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