What do Aerosmith, Prince, The Who, and Tom Petty have in common? The fact that I couldn’t pick them out in a crowded room. Obviously, I know very little about the music of my era (pre-Columbian), but will forge ahead anyway. Why? Because I have come to hate Super Bowl halftime shows.

Michael Jackson performed at the 1993 halftime show. According to Wikipedia: “It would be this halftime performance that the T.V. ratings increased more than the game itself. After 1993 there was determination on getting “A-list” performers to make the halftime shows the way they are today.”

First, Wikipedia is written by ordinary people, which explains the interesting choice of sentence structure in the above quote. Second, they forgot to tell the shows’ producers that “A” list does not stand for Ancient. Here’s a rundown of a few of the people featured in the shows since 1993:

Paul McCartney, age 68 was reported dead in 1969 when Russ Gibb played Revolution 9 backwards and thought he heard “Turn me on dead man.” Scientists have been trying to disprove his demise ever since.

Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones, age 67 reportedly denied claims that his body had fossilized in the 90’s. The autopsy was inconclusive.

Even Prince (The Artist formerly known as §) is in his 50’s. They hesitated to put him on the docket, fearing that his bare butt cheeks would upstage Janet Jackson’s middle-age mammaries.

For the ultimate in halftime entertainment, you’d have to go back to Super Bowl XXXV (a.k.a. Super Bowl §). No, not Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, that other MTV inspired football fiasco.

This one featured Aerosmith, ‘N Sync, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige, and Nelly. Clearly, these people were never intended by God to be in the same county, let alone on the same stage. Yet, there they were. In a miracle of choreography, Justin Timberlake did not rip out Britney’s extensions, narrowly averting a hairdressing malfunction. Mary J. Blige looked confused, as her handlers walked her onto the stage. Who wouldn’t be? Nelly limited his crotch grabs to three, not including the crotch malfunction, where he accidentally grabbed Mary J. Blige as she continued to look for her mark. They all combined to draw attention away from Steven Tyler’s mouth, which has been known to scare cows into going dry.

This year, I’m hoping they’ll have the cast of Twilight dancing Swan Lake. Fingers crossed! The music can be provided by Apocalyptica, four boys from Finland who head bang while playing Metallica on the cello! (Makes me proud to be half Finnish.) Not only will the ballet bring some class to the halftime show, but there will be no negative repercussions when Jacob rips his own shirt off.