Do I take a right on Franklin to get to Bimini?

You could make the argument that Juan Ponce de Leon was the worst navigator ever, but obviously, you haven’t seen me negotiate the one way streets of downtown Baltimore. Juan sailed over to the new land with Christopher Columbus, with whom he honed his legendary skills for getting lost.

While living on the island of Hispaniola (at the junction of The Dominican Republic and Quebec) he heard about a magical fountain of youth on the island of Bimini. He set out to find the fountain and sailed right past Bimini, landing instead on the island of Florida. Here his efforts to find the fountain were hampered by the fact that Florida is flat… really, really flat. If you drive the main road through the Everglades National Park, you’ll cross the Rock Reef Pass, elevation 3 feet. Try finding a fountain where the only point above sea level is a landfill called Mt. Trashmore. Hiking trails are available but not recommended.

Modern day explorers search for the fountain of youth in bookstores. Not only do you avoid blood sucking alligators, mosquitoes, and leaches, but your quarry will be categorized and shelved alphabetically by author. What you won’t find is a reasonable definition of Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10), named for the man who discovered it, Dr. Q10 (the 10 is silent).

Cosmetic companies would have you believe that rubbing it on your face will reduce the look of fine lines and wrinkles. Pharmaceutical companies advise you to take it orally, to fight the free radicals that are carpet bombing your immune system. Nobody wants to tell you where it comes from (my guess is Bimini).

I won’t even go into anti-oxidants and polyphenols, mostly because I don’t have a clue what they are either. I just know that blueberries ($4.50 per pint with a coupon) are rich in them.

When taken with a regimen of vitamins; foods with the name whole grain, organic, and expensive; exercise; doctor directed hormone therapy; and peanut butter, CoQ10 is guaranteed to extend your life and neuter your cat.

With modern science, achieving the right balance of anti-aging factors is no harder than finding a fountain in Florida.

8 thoughts on “Do I take a right on Franklin to get to Bimini?

  1. Wait, you live in SC – how often do you get down to FL? I live quite near Mt. Trashmore! Lovely spot for a prison with a great view of the swamp, right?

    • I have no room to make cracks about your choice of real estate. We settled a few miles down the road from a landfill. Can’t smell it during the day, but something magical happens at night. If you go outside, you stagger back in on a methane high. Oooh, the pretty colors!

  2. I’ve used the same cleanser and moisturizer since I was sixteen and I still get mistaken for my son’s wife/girlfriend/sister, so I figure I’ll stick to what works.

      • I think every state has a Mt. Trashmore – they have a defunct dump in Brighton, MI – they ski on it in the winter…hey, I may be on to something: FL may be flat, but what an opportunity for skiing!

  3. Egads, woman!! Blueberries are $4.50 a pint around your place? That’s insaaaaaane!

    When I was a kid I probably would have thought living near the dump was awesome. I LOVED going to the dump when I was a kid. It was a magical smell, with magical piles of treasures. The amount of times I was yelled at to not touch when going there with my grandpa eventually got me banished to staying in the car… You know, another person’s trash….

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