Hide your garden gnomes

We live in a “community”, which is to say that we could wallpaper our bathroom with the stack of paper containing the neighborhood covenants. They’ve got a rule for every possible contingency, in case you are considering hiring a goat to paint your house in bright orange polka dots. (page 379, section 870c, paragraph g).

The homeowner’s association (hereinafter referred to as “Evil Bloodsucking Tyrants” – or EBT) has a fleet of bright red golf carts equipped with search lights, sirens, and flashing lights. They frequently pass my house, camera at the ready, hoping to find a plastic pink flamingo in my garden. One neighbor was caught with a lawn jockey, and ended up doing an OJ pursuit. He was clocked on Maple Avenue going 5 MPH, followed by no less than six EBT-mobiles.

My daughter lives in a similar community. She recently had some Canadians (hereinafter referred to as Canucks) move in a few doors down. Even though they brought escargot to the neighborhood potluck, they seem like pretty nice folks. I’m not ashamed to say that some of my best friends are Canadians.

Now bear in mind that I’m not making this up, people.

A few weeks ago, Mr. and Mrs. Canuck stepped outside to find the president of the HOA dressed in camouflage and crouched in their bushes. He had a video camera, apparently trying to document them in some fiendish plot to take over the American maple syrup industry. He came up with some lame excuse about trying to catch people blowing the stop sign on the corner. Being Canadian, they were too polite to call the police or punch his lights out.

Speaking of voyeurs, the police finally caught the porta-potty peeper. He would hide out in a porta-potty (and there’s only one place to hide out in a porta-potty) and watch women pee. I’m trying to figure out how the judicial system is going to punish him. The man likes to crouch in shit. How can you get much worse than that?

But I digress.

The problem is that we want to park our motor home out front for a few days to do some repairs. This is the same motor home that we dropped into a septic tank last year, so the tailpipe is still being held on by a coat hanger and duct tape. Unlike my pink flamingo, it’s kind of hard to stash a motor home under the bed when the HOA drives by.

If you have some suggestions about how we can hide a twenty-eight foot RV in the driveway, I’m all ears. I’m probably going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how a grown man can squeeze down a toilet.

25 thoughts on “Hide your garden gnomes

  1. Is this an “adult” (i.e., over 55 community)? (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

    The townhouse association in the community where we used to live once made us take down a birdfeeder suctioned onto our window. It was the about 2 inches x 2 inches in size. I wonder if they were jealous of the thistle seed.

    • They must have high power binoculars to spot this stuff. And why were they pointing said binoculars into your window? Pervs!

  2. “…hide a twenty-eight foot RV in the driveway…”??

    Invite the HOA gestapo over for tea and spike it with the appropriate drugs…

  3. Someone should tell that little porta potty pee watcher that he can view that stuff on the internet for fee. (I don’t know first-hand, but if you can learn how to make moonshine online, surely you can watch someone peeing) Unless his jollies reach beyond the number one and include wallowing in the number two. Then he’s just on his own. Even I don’t feel sorry for him. ewwww

  4. Ok, this has to be a joke…

    Having to take down a birdfeeder suctioned cupped to the window is a federal offense??? Parking your RV is jail-worthy??? Oh, and Mr. and Mrs. Canuck are too polite…??? Yeah, ok, I’ll give you the last one. We do tend to be more polite, eh.

    That’s ludicrous to have such people mowing along in rigged golf carts, spying on everything you do. You should invite them in to wipe your butt for you and to investigate your shit for what you just ate. I can’t believe that they have nothing better to do than to give you a hard time about your RV. I say “Screw em, eh!”

    Oh, and I’d be interested in knowing how and why someone would crouch in shit, piss and a mountain of icky toilet paper just to look at a woman’s hoo-hoo….Gross!

    • You make it sound like us Yanks are a bunch of nut-cases, and rightfully so. Truth is stranger than fiction.

    • I wonder what they actually could do, if you violate one of those rules? They’re not laws, after all — you can’t call the police and have them prosecuted. The only thing I can think is that they can throw you out of your own home is you signed the agreement, which brings me back to why I’d never live in a community that did anything like that.

  5. I remember reading about the porta-potty-peeper–disgusting, but very similar to the HOA, apparently!

  6. You could cover it in leaves, branches, etc. Make it look like a shrub. But then, the HOA would probably cite you for not trimming your hedge.

    Mr. and Mrs. Canuck haven’t gotten enough of the weird neighborhood Nazis and moved back to Canada yet?

      • I like the idea of covering it with branches and stuff…I mean, you could say that you’d just transplanted it and you were hoping to take it with you when you went on vacation…

  7. I’m with Mark and Alexander on this. Nothing I like better than being a nightmare to people who have it coming. I’d tell them it’s an FBI motorhome. They’re stationed there to watch for communities whose members spy on other residents, it being Section blah blah of National Security Measure blah blah. And to cover up the fact that they are the FBI, they have your husband making ‘needed’ repairs. And who wants to chip in to feed our nation’s finest? I’d have that list waiting for the anxious names, which will be required to be turned in to the FBI before they leave.
    As for the PP guy, not much smarts there. What was he? Raised in a porta potty?

    • That’s brilliant. Why didn’t I think of the National Security masquerading as itinerant driveway squatters angle?

  8. As someone who’s 24 year old son is living in a trailer in the driveway I’m glad there are no HOA Nazis cruising by here. Technically it does violate SeaTac laws but nobody has complained yet, (thankfully) and with only 3 officers on duty at any one time I figure we’re pretty safe. I could wish the police would tell him he can’t live in my driveway except that would mean he’d move into the house. Definitely not my first, second, or third choice.

    • When I was getting our house built, mom suggested that I get a parking pad, and a trailer dump station installed with the sewer system. I’m pretty sure she was kidding, but could you imagine the HOA’s reaction to that?

      • I’m not sure she was. She paid for me to have the driveway wired with a trailer plug.

        The way this neighborhood is going all I’d have to do is put a couple of chrome dining room chairs in the front yard and my white trash yard deco would fit right in.

  9. Well, you can always wrap your RV camper in tin foil. Tell your porta-potty peeper its a communication device to talk to aliens. That’ll work.

  10. We have the relatives of that same dictatorship right here…. Maybe the reverse binoculars will work, as in….How do you go elephant hunting?
    You get a sign that says “Elehants” and hang it in the jungle. The elephants will come by and start laughing because you spelled elephants wrong. This will attract even more elephants and pretty soon you’ll have a crowd of laughing elephants. Now, get your binoculars and look in through the other end–the elephants will appear to be very small and you’ll be able to pick them up with tweezers and pop them into a milk carton.

    Sorry, I heard this joke in the fourth grade and I knew that someday this useless information might come in handy. Good luck with the motor home!

  11. Hahaha!! Is all of that true?? YOu had me laughin my head off. I have got to see those crazy decked out golf carts man. Where the heck do you live? I guess I need to get out more; sounds like you hit an adventure at every turn!

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