I don’t do toilets

The grocery section of Wal-Mart is riddled with little cardboard booths, manned by bored looking representatives passing out free samples of mini-pizzas and lime Jello. Yesterday I was taken aback when I saw a booth hawking toilet clip-ons.

The young man at the booth looked understandably embarrassed. He had obviously drawn the short straw on product demonstrations that day. I couldn’t think of anything that would entice me to stop in a busy supermarket and sniff urinal cakes. Did the manufacturers really think that toilet bowl cleaners were an impulse purchase?

My housekeeping skills are a hot topic at the Center for Disease Control. I confess that I generally don’t clean my toilets until I can actually see the E coli. Consequently, I don’t get a lot of houseguests. Those hardy souls who are willing to use my bathroom have to pick up a key at the kitchen counter. They also have to cough up fifty cents if they want to use the condom dispenser (quarters only).

Women tend to be all business when they use the bathroom. My husband takes the crossword puzzle and makes a day of it. I’ve read that when flushing, tiny droplets spray up and out of the toilet. This is why I hate spending long periods in the bathroom. It generally involves doing a courtesy flush. Who wants to be sitting at ground zero when Old Faithful goes off?

But I digress.

Basically, I only want to see blue water if I’m standing on a hotel balcony in Cancun. If it’s in my toilet and I add the contents of a full bladder, I’ll never again be able to sample the lime Jello.

10 thoughts on “I don’t do toilets

  1. We had the same stand at our Walmart. No one approached it. They have yet to invent a toilet cleaner that will make me ooh and aah. Not my favorite thing to scrub either. I’d rather see a food stand.

  2. You are too funny! I subscribed to your blog a couple of weeks ago, then decided I was too busy to read. I finally clicked the link today, and was rewarded with posts by one of the few people in this world who shares my exact sense of humor. I’m going to read everything in your archive now (and I’ll order the pre-advance on Amazon when you compile it all into a book).

    BTW…I read the Humorpress award posts. You were robbed. Both of your posts get first place in my book.

    • Thanks, Kimberly. It’s nice to find somebody as twisted as I am, although I wouldn’t admit to it in public if I were you.

  3. Gosh you made my Monday! I love the toilet funnies. When I was actually married to a man, we had a stack of magazines (Golf mostly….Zzzzz) in the bathroom and he called it the Library. I think he had some kind of spiritual awakenings in there. I say that from the sounds and (smells) detected during and after.

    Funny funny funny post!

  4. I’m the guilty party at my house. I do the crossword puzzle while sitting in the bathroom. It grosses Tim out to find the crossword, my reading glasses, and a pen precariously perched on the edge of the tub. (The back of my toilet houses decorative stuff that nobody will ever use or care about.) It’s worth it just to hear him complain.

  5. You and I must have gone to the same school of cleaning. I hate cleaning anything, and toilets are right up there. But, I married a custodian, so generally, if the Ecoli are waving at us, he’ll get out the scrubber and the toilet bowl cleaner. I don’t like blue water either…unless I can swim in it!

    Great post!! (As usual!!)

  6. Cleaning is the least rewarding task in the world. There is no end to it, so why start? I’m with you…toilets are the worst.

  7. A world-wide survey was recently conducted on bathroom cleaning.

    They found that women clean the bathroom, on average, once a week.

    Men, on the other hand, just pack up and move to a new location…

  8. Obviously the demonstrator was in that position after the unfortunate happenstance of running over his manager’s foot with his car the other day….

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