In 1773 a group of libertarians in Boston decided that the Republican Party was getting too uppity, so they formed a new party based on the premise that the colonies were paying way too much money for scones, increasing the national debt, and forcing local tea houses to serve cucumber sandwiches with their Darjeeling. They also objected to calling whipped cream “clotted cream” because it just sounded icky.

In retaliation for the scone scandal, they dressed as Indians, rowed their boats up to British merchant ships in Boston Harbor, (spelled “harbour” by those crafty Brits, who had also increased the tax on vowels), and tossed crates of tea overboard.

This led inexorably to the battle of Lexington and Concord and the shot heard around the world, or at least as far as Philadelphia, where the errant musket ball cracked the Liberty Bell.

In 1776 the Declaration of Independence was signed, based on the premise that all men have inalienable abduction rights, officially putting the kibosh on anal probes in the new nation.

On July fourth, we celebrate these brave men, who risked their lives to give us freedom of speech, exponentially increasing the number of tabloids in the checkout lines at Ye Olde Shoppe. No longer wishing to be called colonists, the new nation experimented with the names, provincists, and general areaists, finally settling on stateists, giving rise to the United Ists of America, or UIA (later changed to USA, since people were still gun shy about the use of too many vowels).

The American Revolution sent the British packing, with the aid of the French and Indians (which would later come back to bite us in the butt, but that’s another war). Today we enjoy the liberties which were earned on the battlefield, at great personal cost. We honor these brave men with beer and weenie roasts, since we decided long ago that tea and scones were just too prissy.