Ox and Ass

Sometimes I can be an ass. Usually it’s unintentional, which only makes it worse. I’m afraid I’ve got some innate assitude in me. Get me drunk and I’ll insult my husband’s boss, incite riots, and have sex involving vegetables. This isn’t hypothetical, people. I speak from experience. It turns out that even in the basic food groups, size does matter.

At this point, you may think that this post is going to be all about me, or I could go on a rant about Democrats (Motto: Worst mascot ever for a political party). I’d rather touch on a subject that we can all relate to: every other driver on the road except us.

There’s enough snow on the weather maps of the Midwest, that you can’t see the state lines anymore. You might be driving to Cincinnati and end up in Detroit without even knowing it. Snow seems to bring out the ass in other drivers. I’m not just talking about the SUV’s that go 70 miles per hour because they have 4 wheel drive. In there arrogance, they pass snowplows, stranded motorists, and vegetable stands.

I’m talking about the asses who will cross crime scene tape to get to the parking spot that someone else has spent 14 hours clearing; the idiots who will slide down an icy hill in Seattle, taking out parked cars and pedestrians to get their cappuccino; and the Amish. If I see one more horse-drawn carriage on snowy streets, it better be pulled by Clydesdales and loaded with beer.

Those people who do brave the weather go to the local Wal-Mart, where fist fights break out over the last jumbo package of toilet paper. Why do people who face being snowed in always go straight for the toilet paper? But I digress.

Something must be done to stop the madness! I recommend sending all the asphalt asses to the Siberia of the western hemisphere: Canada. There they can learn remedial winter driving, and how to say “when hell freezes over” in Celsius. America would be a safe place for courteous drivers and the Amish.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to drive to the nearest vegetable stand.

13 thoughts on “Ox and Ass

  1. I thought it was just us Brits who become brainless when the ice and snow arrives. I feel so much better knowing it’s an international phenomenon!
    Your suggestions on the best vegetables would be most welcome 😉

  2. Karla, trust me…there are just as many asses up here as there are down there. Canada is not immune to the assiholics that believe that they are immune to snow and all that it offers. People seem to conveniently “forget” how to drive when the first snow falls. It takes a few weeks to start remembering that they have to slow down in icy and snowy conditions…so, sending them to us wouldn’t be a good idea…
    However, maybe the US needs to have a show like we have….The US’s Worst Driver

  3. When the weather’s bad, everyone drives like they’re headed for eternity and have ten seconds to get there. Some of them actually do. Get there, I mean.

    Toilet paper? That’s what I forgot! Milk, bread, eggs, chocolate…but no TP! Oh, crap!

  4. Oh yea, I do not miss the snow or snow driving……and especially other snow drivers! Every time I read stories about snow-driving, I remember one reason why I moved to Las Vegas (of course, I completely forget that reason when it’s 120 degrees in the middle of July and I’m melting).

    And I’m with you on the veges. Size does indeed, matter! 🙂

  5. Ha! They won’t learn much up here in Canada if they don’t already have common sense. And anyways there are enough idiot winter drivers up here as it is, so please keep your idiot drivers down there.

    • Canadians are supposed to be really nice, and you won’t even take a couple million idiots off our hands? Is that too much to ask?

  6. Not sure I want to pursue the vegetable thing but I own a large SUV and love driving in bad weather just because FINALLY all the idiots are off the road. It sleeted today; there’s barely a sheen on the road but school is closed. I’m off to race snowplows and do doughnuts!!! I know, I know…you hate me…but you really don’t!!!! Love ya!

    • The Canadians would probably turn you back at the border. Yeah, gotta love you, just not going to drive with you.

  7. Here in Oregon?

    People start to prepare for the end of the world if the forecast calls for frost. Oooooh . . . black ice! So insane, because there is no such thing as black ice, and calling it black ice makes it sound like it is all devilish in nature.

    So stupid.

    My husband and I both grew up in the Midwest, and we watch our neighbors with amusement as they talk about the chains on their tires and the dangers of driving and how the schools will be closed and how we are likely to be cut off from basic necessities.


    Mark and I giggle a lot.

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