No list of the embarrassing body functions associated with aging would be complete without the hemorrhoid. Like belly buttons, you can have inies or outies. Either way, they can ruin your day, week, or longer. When I itch, there is frequently a disconnect between my brain and my hand. I will suddenly find my hand in a place where I did not consciously send it. This is only a problem if you are:

* At a fancy dinner party;

* Accepting the Nobel Peace Prize;

* On a crowded bus;

* At a job interview;

* On a nationally televised cooking show.

Frequent hemorrhoid sufferers have perfected the art of sitting on one butt cheek, but it is hard to look dignified when you are constantly listing to the right.

It all comes down to a pooping Catch 22. You’re damned if you doo and you’re damned if you don’t.

Diarrhea = hemorrhoids

Constipation = hemorrhoids

Holding it = Septic shock and certain death

The best way to avoid the “roid” is fiber and fluids. Once one appears, there are over the counter ointments to ease the pain and itch. There is no known cure for the wandering hand associated with hemorrhoids. I suggest you turn down any invitation to compete on Dancing with the Stars. Len Goodman will mark you down for scratching.