I’ve never taken an IQ test, but let’s just say that while my sister was joining Mensa, I was joining the bowling league. In school, we didn’t have calculators. A slide rule was standard issue if you wanted to take trigonometry or calculus. I didn’t.

My lack of interest in current events is legendary. My husband reads the newspaper cover to cover every day. He tries to point out those articles that might interest me. Example: “Lakeland, Kansas to outlaw farting in public.” How well he knows me!

Nation’s dentists can’t make teeth any damn whiter. –The Onion

I’m not totally without intellectual stimulation. I’m drawn to jigsaw puzzles like a dog to vomit. (At least, my dog). They teach spatial concepts and pattern recognition, and you just can’t have too many pictures of a fluffy little kitten wearing a red bow.

As for learning new things, I’m still working on a book trailer. Today I’m on the hunt for a cute little dog that I can photograph. So when you read the story on page 26 in the local paper of a woman who got her foot gnawed off at the ankle by a miniature poodle, that’s me.

“News” would imply new things, but there’s a sameness to reporting that just leaves me cold. The other day I was reading Us magazine at the dentist’s. There was an article about Jennifer Lopez (as always). It went into her relationship with Ben Affleck. That was eight years ago, people, let’s move on. At this point, I’m not sure if I could muster enough interest in a story if she had a sex change operation.

It says something that my main source for Current events is The Daily Show, a fake news show on Comedy Central. That Jon Stewart is a cutie. Even so, you’d be waiting a long time if you asked me to name any of the Supreme Court Justices.

If it weren’t for doctors’ waiting rooms, I probably wouldn’t read anything newsworthy. Maybe I can read about J. Lo’s sex change operation today while I’m waiting in the emergency room to get my foot reattached.