I’m on an odyssey to find the Malibu body of my dreams. The hype is that I can lose a dress size in 10 days by following a simple program. I think I’m making good progress.

Day one: Do the 45 minute total body workout, followed by 3 glasses of water and 4 sprigs of parsley. I checked the scale six times and turned sideways in the mirror every 15 minutes.

Day two: Got dragged behind a 120 pound hyperactive Doberman for 45 minutes. Ended up chasing two cars and a very worried looking teenager. Ate two pretzel rods, a head of cauliflower, and three fat free pudding cups. Checked the scale twice and looked in the mirror sideways (sucking gut) once.

Day three: 45 minute workout, followed by a diet soda, 3 cigarettes, and a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Stepped on the scale once, looked for the most flattering angle I could find in the mirror.

Day four: 45 minute crawl, which included one run like hell to flee the scene of the crime after the dog lost his breakfast in a neighbor’s front yard. I later drove back to clean up what felt like 40 pounds of yark. Bought a half gallon of raspberry sherbet, and looked for the biggest spoon in the kitchen. Avoided scale and mirrors.

Day five: Squeezed into a pre-menopausal exercise outfit. Got permanent lycra imprints on my thighs. Decided to skip the workout due to a constricting top and lack of oxygen. Polished off the raspberry sherbet.

Day six: Snuggled up with the dog to nap on the couch. Slept through an infomercial for the total body workout. Had a McGreasy burger for lunch and a porterhouse at the local steak house for dinner. Threw away the scale.

Day seven: Packed up the pilates chair for a speedy return to the manufacturer. My odyssey ends with regular trips from the computer to the refrigerator.

Oddly, I didn’t lose a dress size, only my sense of humor, and will to live. I think my next odyssey will be to Ye Old Ice Cream Shoppe. Sure, you have to deal with brain freeze, but no pain, no gain.