It’s not just for cavities anymore! According to a couples’ counselor who appeared on Deal or no Deal, the most important element in a successful relationship is personal hygiene. I know! If I hadn’t heard it on a game show, I wouldn’t believe it myself. To think, all that time I wasted trying to save my first marriage with honest communication and compromise, and all I needed to do was floss.

Back in the second grade, I would pick up my best friend at her house each morning to walk to school together. The last thing her mom would do before my friend left the house was to clean under her nails. I generally still had yesterday’s mud pies under my nails. Obviously, I was doomed to a life of spinsterhood.

Let’s be brutally honest, if little girls were made of sugar and spice and everything nice, there would be no need for mouth wash, panty liners, or exfolliants. So what did they do before deodorant to keep a marriage alive? Is there any hope for a woman who likes garlic bread and a man whose shoes smell like old cheese?

I’d like to make a case for mutual respect over shiny teeth for strengthening a marriage. A few weeks ago, my husband asked me to examine his butt to see if the bump on said backside was a boil or a pimple. If I hadn’t had the highest respect for his good character and flawless skills with power tools, this might have been grounds for a trial separation.

I worked with a girl who would just turn on the water and pretend that she was washing her hands after using the toilet. I never figured out the reasoning behind this deception, but it certainly is an obvious breach of the trust necessary for a lasting marriage. How can love survive if you can’t trust your partner to keep the boudoir free of dysentery?

My husband is meticulous in warning me when he finishes in the bathroom, if the area should be declared a hazardous waste area for the next 30 minutes. Let me assure you, Mr. Couples’ Counselor, good communication skills should not be discounted.

There will always be an ick factor in any relationship where the sloughing off of dead skin cells is concerned. Our human condition makes that an unavoidable reality. So by all means, brush your teeth and wash your hair, but make sure that your relationship can weather the storms of physical indignities that Mother Nature dishes out.

Dammit! I think I’m getting a zit on my chin.