The Bible says, “Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever doesn’t involve an emergency room visit, think on these things.” (NIV). My mind doesn’t really know the meaning of discipline, (Training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character) so the things I’m thinking on don’t really make the biblical cut.

Recently my mind has been occupied with trying to find three-inch rubber chickens, and an upcoming podcast. Will I be able to figure out the camera thingy? Should I have a bookcase behind me? Should I remove my Cootie bug and Gumby and Pokey from said bookcase and stock it with leather bound editions of National Geographic? If the camera only sees me from the waist up, do I really need pants?

I haven’t heard a recording of my voice in years. Is it still going to sound dorky, or will it now just be old and dorky? Can you edit out any loud farts during the podcast? These are important considerations, people.

My son decided that I needed help preparing for the interview, so he made up some sample questions:

How many nuns can you fit in a phone booth … and why?

If you were a lamp, what kind of lamp would you be … and why?

Have you ever been in a Turkish prison … and why?

Eight, gooseneck, and it was actually a Finnish bathhouse, where I had to watch my grandma scrub out her belly button. Close enough.

Thus, properly prepared for my interview, I can move on to other considerations, like a cover story for my daughter, who slipped in a puddle of dog urine while getting out of the shower Saturday, and knocked herself out cold. We’re thinking of going with bathroom ninjas. Now if I can just come up with a cover story for the UPS man, as to why I’m getting a box full of mini-rubber chickens, I’ll be golden.