Those were the immortal words of one of my in-laws, who is now under house arrest, since all the prison workers took a vote and decided he was too obnoxious to keep incarcerated. Turns out he was right.

A few nights ago, I learned that some unscrupulous hackers were using one of our websites for illicit activities. We’ll just say it could land me in hot water (since “Federal Offense” carries a more negative connotation). As soon as I found out, I took a shower and shaved my legs. I wanted to put off the prison shower scene for as long as I could. I also thanked my lucky stars that I didn’t have any books out from the library. Can you imagine the fines if I did ten to twenty?

Honestly, I was more worried about having my computer confiscated than going to the big house. I really need to get my priorities straight. As a writer, my soul is conveniently located in a couple circuits and a Pentium chip. I haven’t gone to church in some time since they don’t have WiFi in the sanctuary and I’m too cheap to get a smart phone.

I don’t have any incriminating evidence, or even porn on my computer. Unfortunately, my daughter borrowed my Nook, and just downloaded some sexually explicit reading material from Barnes & Noble. I can fairly hear the shower water running.

I will maintain my innocence until my dying day, which may be pretty soon if my friend makes her streusel coffee cake and doesn’t bring enough for all the inmates. In order to avoid imminent shivving, I’m asking all my readers to attest to my good character. “She makes a lot of poop jokes, but otherwise she’s okay.”

If you need me, I’ll be at the Starlight Motel in North Dakota. Just ask for Carmen Fuentes at the desk. Hope they serve continental breakfast.