Yesterday they were running a blood drive at the mall, so my impulsive nature ended me with a needle in my arm. I should have been nervous, but instead I was thinking ruefully that the mesh chair was going to leave waffle marks on my bare thighs. Since summer officially started one week ago, I thought I’d repeat a blog I wrote last year.

OK, I get it. As we get older our skin loses elasticity. You push two solid masses together, and the squishier one is going to give first, often oozing into each nook and cranny of the firmer surface. That was fine when I was a thirteen year old gymnast with thighs like granite—not as much 40 years later on those days when oxygen feels firmer than my thighs.

Shorts + Wicker = Chenille marks

Years ago, bathrobes and bedspreads were often made of a soft white material decorated with nubs, like little knots lined up into patterns. The problem with the chenille bedspread was that if you tried to sneak a nap, you’d wake up with drool on your pillow and telltale indentations on your face. Chenille may be a thing of the past, but sagging skin is not.

As we officially kick off summer, let us remember these simple senior fashion rules:

Be aware of the location of your thighs at all times. Grass, towels, and most lawn furniture is going to leave a mark. Resist the urge to sit down until after dark.

Sun + skin = Age spots

The same sun that used to give you a glowing tan will now give your face all the luster of a Guernsey cow (brown and white spots, for those of you not born in a barn). Once mother nature has blotched up your skin, it will take faithful use of sunscreen, expensive cosmetics, and the rest of your life to unblotch.

Bathing suit + middle age spread = disaster

I haven’t had the courage to go bathing suit shopping yet. I’m thinking that there is no day so hot that I am willing to bare that much doughy skin in public. Even trying on a one-piece is going to require panels, lycra, and a bottle of lighter fluid, so if necessary, I can set fire to the dressing room to draw the eye away from my trouble spots.