I went to the company fair and all I got was this lousy t-shirt … oh, and a sunburn. I did all the right things: bought my $40 vendor spot; set up my table on time; and loaned the organizers my roll of scotch tape.

I gave them tape, people. You’d think that would get me a primo spot, but instead I was stuck behind the South Carolina Shuckers: a booth that sold nothing but decorative knives for shucking clams. I was all alone on the back row, right across from the Filipino Buffet trailer. People were jogging past me, trying not to make eye contact, intent on loading up on lumpia. I sold zero books.

Please enjoy Parnell Hall’s lament on book signings, while I go cry in the corner.