School is back in session, which for old farts merely means getting stuck in traffic behind the school bus that stops at every corner. Apparently, kids can no longer walk further than one block without being crushed under the weight of a backpack, tenor saxophone, and a $400 graphing calculator.

While drumming my fingers on the steering wheel until they bleed, I feel inspired to consider alternate routes, mindless of sidewalks, mail boxes, ornamental shrubs, and the occasional garden gnome. If you live on a bus route, you can kiss your plastic pink flamingos goodbye.

If your grocery list includes only the necessities: milk, bread, eggs, toilet paper, and Tootsie Pops, it would still exceed my list of accomplishments for the summer. In order to shed my status as a hopeless underachiever, I thought I’d share with you a small sampling of what I didn’t do this summer. I did not:

• Spend the night in the emergency room with a gaping chest wound. I’m particularly proud of this achievement, since most accidents happen in the home. I’ve spent the better part of the last three months puttering around the house, laughing in the face of danger.
• Collect commemorative plates depicting the Revolutionary War. My apologies to the Franklin Mint, but the Valley Forge plate was a little depressing, and I wouldn’t want to break up the set.
• Gain weight. I still have my girlish figure: the one where my mother repeatedly told me, “It’s just baby fat. You’ll grow out of it.” Guess what, Mom. I grew back into it.
• Get caught picking my nose in public. An acquaintance once asked me, “Do you pick your nose? You don’t seem like the person to pick.” Let me set the record straight, people. Yes, sometimes I even go up there with tweezers – but I usually leave the grooming implements at home.

Obviously, there are many more things I neglected to do this summer, some of which include avoiding work, clean underwear, and clowns. As long as there are hours in a day, even the most hardened of Type A personalities can fritter them away. If you’ll excuse me, I have some serious napping to do.