There’s some kind of disconnect in my brain when people are talking to me. Sometimes the words are crystal clear, and sometimes it sounds like they’re speaking over a remix of Major Tom, in German. As I try to block out the relentless techno rhythm, my eyes wander down to their mouths, in a pointless exercise of attempting to read lips.

Yesterday, I was speaking with a black man (excuse my political incorrectness) with a bit of an accent.

“My kid ever talks to me like that,” control is not convinced “he get my foot” but the computer has the evidence. “right up his ass.” No need to abort. By the time the countdown starts, I am transfixed by his gum.

Why isn’t he chewing his gum? It’s just sitting there on his … Oh dear God! He has a green stud in his tongue!

This would not have bothered me so much, except that he was clearly in his forties. I have little room to talk, since I was in my forties when I got my nipple pierced. As an aside, I don’t understand how, having just had your lady parts skewered by a sharpened piece of stainless steel, you would want to get the other one pierced as well. So I walked around for two days with one breast swollen to twice its normal size.

Back to the subject, I think there should be some basic rules in place for senior body piercings.

If a woman is old enough that she would rather be hit by a bus than wear a thong, she grew up long before people started piercing their tongues. You’re not impressing her with your lingual hardware.

Ladies, if you were going braless, would people mistake your nipple ring for a navel ring? You probably want to reign the girls in or get a longer shirt.

Now for a delicate subject: Men, at a certain age, you may find your hair migrating from the top of your head to your ears and nose. Do you really want bling drawing the eye to an ingrown mustache or a bush growing out of the side of your head? As a personal observation, I don’t think combovers and earrings are a good combination.

Facial piercings are better left to punk rockers who won’t need a neck brace if they start head banging.

So at what age should you give up on body piercings? As a general rule of thumb, I believe that once your skin starts sagging, you don’t want a piece of metal bobbing up and down when you nod your head. By the way, I’ve long since removed the nipple ring. I don’t have any shirts long enough. Great, now I have Major Tom stuck in my head!