I’m on an odyssey to find the Malibu body of my dreams. The hype is that I can lose a dress size in 10 days by following a simple program. I think I’m making good progress.
Day one: Do the 45 minute total body workout, followed by 3 glasses of water and 4 sprigs of parsley. I checked the scale six times and turned sideways in the mirror every 15 minutes.
Day two: Got dragged behind a 120 pound hyperactive Doberman for 45 minutes. Ended up chasing two cars and a very worried looking teenager. Ate two pretzel rods, a head of cauliflower, and three fat free pudding cups. Checked the scale twice and looked in the mirror sideways (sucking gut) once.
Day three: 45 minute workout, followed by a diet soda, 3 cigarettes, and a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Stepped on the scale once, looked for the most flattering angle I could find in the mirror.
Day four: 45 minute crawl, which included one run like hell to flee the scene of the crime after the dog lost his breakfast in a neighbor’s front yard. I later drove back to clean up what felt like 40 pounds of yark. Bought a half gallon of raspberry sherbet, and looked for the biggest spoon in the kitchen. Avoided scale and mirrors.
Day five: Squeezed into a pre-menopausal exercise outfit. Got permanent lycra imprints on my thighs. Decided to skip the workout due to a constricting top and lack of oxygen. Polished off the raspberry sherbet.
Day six: Snuggled up with the dog to nap on the couch. Slept through an infomercial for the total body workout. Had a McGreasy burger for lunch and a porterhouse at the local steak house for dinner. Threw away the scale.
Day seven: Packed up the pilates chair for a speedy return to the manufacturer. My odyssey ends with regular trips from the computer to the refrigerator.
Oddly, I didn’t lose a dress size, only my sense of humor, and will to live. I think my next odyssey will be to Ye Old Ice Cream Shoppe. Sure, you have to deal with brain freeze, but no pain, no gain.
I’d lose my sense of humor, too, if I’d been through all of that.
I almost had to call the fire department to rescue me from lycra and spandex.
That actually happened on an episode of “Emergency!” … the medics had to cut a woman out of this body wrap thing. Getting healthy can be dangerous to your health!
ROFLMFAO (middle F stands for Fat). Soooo freaking funny. I love your day Five! Takes me back to the one and only time I ever tried on a sports bra. It was ok for a minute, but then I was sure my breathing was constricted. The worst part came when I literally could not get the thing off. I was trapped. I had to call a sales person to the fitting room to help me out of the thing. I don’t remember, but I am quite sure I ate a pint of some kind of ice cream. Fudge.
Whoever designed sports bras, obviously never had to get out of one. I had to use Vaseline, a claw hammer, and a kitchen chair–don’t ask.
Ye Olde Ice Cream Shoppe is always a welcome destination!
And what’s a yark?
In this case, recycled dog kibble and chicken.
…”instruments of torture need not apply”?? where’s the fun in THAT!?