The eyes have it

Take fur Advil at the fist fight of a haddock, and on ever birthday theater? If I didn’t have a headache before going into the pharmacy, I did by the time I left. That tiny bottle had a fold out instruction sheet – an analgesic centerfold! I dashed for the magnifying glasses aisle, only to be able to make out that there was indeed actual printing on the label. Little did I know that a vision test was required for over the counter pain relief.

The world is getting farther away, and I dread the day when I’ll have to wear bifocals the size of toilet plungers. I was 40 when I had to get my first pair of reading glasses. After leaving them on other people’s desks, in public restrooms, and on top of my head, I decided to get the beaded idiot chain: kind of like the mittens on a string we wore as kids.

Like the mittens, I couldn’t wait to get rid of it. Ask anyone who buys 8 inch stiletto heels and they’ll tell you, it’s better to pitch head first down a steep hill than be caught in a librarian necklace. I could have gone with a fat tush there to continue the analogy, but my safety chain was garish enough to draw attention away from my bubble butt.

In a temporary fit of individuality, I went with purple frames for my latest pair of bifocals. I was hoping that I could counteract the “old” with young hip frames. For the amount of money you pay, you’d think that LensCrafters would employ fashion police. I would have been cuffed and stuffed the moment I headed for the neon frame display.

On my last eye checkup, the optometrist found that I’m starting to get cataracts. Time to feel officially sorry for myself. Never mind that corrective surgery has evolved into a pretty straight forward low-risk procedure. It still involves sharp instruments in the same zip code as my eyes. I’ll probably be walking into walls before I seriously consider that.

In the meantime, I’ve been looking at the computer screen all day. Do you remember how many Advil I should take for an eye-strain headache?

Me neither.

6 thoughts on “The eyes have it

  1. I had cataract surgery a few months ago. Put it off till I was almost blind, and then kicked myself for waiting. No glasses for the first time since elementary school, except for reading, because they can do corrections at the same time. The surgery is scary to think about, but surprisingly easy and painless.

    In case you’re wondering, those labels are hand-typed by nanobots. Editing is done under a microscope.

  2. Karla, have you ever submitted anything to More magazine? I think they’d love you. (I was also going to include the AARP monthly, but thought that would be mean-spirited.)

    • Thanks, I’ll check it out. American Association of Royal Pains? I have a lifetime membership.

  3. Oh, lucky me. I only need reading glasses to SEE up close if my contacts are on my eyeballs. You SEE, that eye correction is needed to SEE the signs and be able to SEE on which side of the road I am driving. I actually take OFF my glasses to SEE up close! But, hey, we can SEE, that’s what really matters. Seeing well, that spawned an entire industry! Oh, and I love the purple frames and admit to having chosen purple when I was 40, too. I’d love to SEE you SEEING me in those purple frames!

  4. My last visit to the opth. I told him I could read better with my Kindle 5″ from my face than through my bifocals (or trifocals or whatever in the hell they call them)– he says “that makes sense,” then proceeds to dilate my eyes- then I have to wear some wrap around film around my head under my glasses to go outside.
    Well, the ‘look’ was bad enough, I had a skin reaction that has lasted 6 weeks- I fainly resemble a raccoon- things just keep getting better, huh-
    The aforementioned chain is why I opt out of wearing contacts and take the easy way out- wear the damn 4″ glasses-
    love your blog- do not ask me how I got here- but you’re now on my feed… 😉

  5. I do, I do – I do have one of those librarian chains and have worn one now for years. Otherwise the waiter will have to hold the menu up the other side of the restaurant for me to read the desserts. This was a funny blog because I can SO relate. Reading recipes or nutrition panels on packets in supermarkets used to be hilarious until I strung those things round my neck instead of leaving them … somewhere. And they’re always in the LAST place you look, aren’t they?

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