Weighing your options

It’s that time of year again: a time of regret for the poor decisions that we made at the grocery store this week. I don’t own a bathroom scale, nor do I enjoy “hopping up” onto the scale at the doctor’s office. What’s with that anyway? They’re always asking you to hop up on the scale, or hop up on the table. If I have a gaping chest wound, don’t ask me to hop. But I digress.

Back when I could eat anything I wanted and not gain an ounce, leftover Halloween candy was a cause for rejoicing. Now it’s an exercise in willpower, and I’m very bad at exercise. As I write this, I’m polishing off a bag of candy corn.

Last year my Trick or Treaters exceeded my candy supply, so yesterday I paid $25 for a nearly inexhaustible supply of chocolate-coated sugar. Now it’s a game of Russian Roulette, waiting to see if I get enough cute little panhandling children at my door to rob me of my unjust desserts. Fingers crossed.

Of even greater concern is the next 72 hours. In my nutritional wisdom, I decided to get my favorite snacks to substitute for the candy sitting atop my fridge. If I stay out of the Snickers bars, I should be good to eat half a loaf of French bread. Just say “no” to the Reese’s cups, and “yes” to a half gallon of raspberry sherbet. This is science, people. I’m not eating half a tub of caramel dip: I’m trying to make the world a better place.

You’d think that last week’s ghostly encounter would have taught me something. I’ve always worried that if there was a ghost in the room, he might have occasion to see me naked. Over my lifetime, I’ve devoted hours of thought to this possible scenario; more than I’ve spent on home invasions or carjacking. Now that my stomach sticks out farther than my breasts, that’s a valid source of anxiety. You don’t want to shock Casper with your middle age spread. It’s not a good thing when you can scare a ghost.

I wish I had a simple solution to the problem. Some people take their leftover candy to work. Some try to foist it off on their skinny friends. I’m sticking to the raspberry sherbet plan this year.

Rats! I just ate the last pumpkin out of the candy corn bag.

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