Customer dissatisfaction

“I’m sorry, but a herd of angry sheep broke into the server room and chewed up all the wires,” the tech support representative said. I blinked twice, which is the sign that I’m thinking deep thoughts.  How did sheep break into the room? They don’t have opposable thumbs to hold the crowbar, and are notoriously bad at picking locks. Could the friendly tech support guy be pulling my leg? Why would he tell a fib about server security?

I won’t be mean enough to reveal the name of my duplicitous internet service provider. Suffice it to say that I’ve lost all faith in women Indie car drivers who strut around in black leather.

According to Jane Friedman, a former editor at Writer’s Digest Magazine, and an undisputed authority on all things writery, people will stop visiting your website if it loads slowly. Her article said nothing about sheep who floss with coaxial cables.

Let me say at the outset (which, in this case occurs in the middle of my blog post) that I’m a ridiculously gullible person. I’ll normally buy into your wild story about how you rescued a chihuahua from the jaws of a hungry crocodile in Mexico last summer. Obviously, crocodiles are not native to Tijuana. So why did I question the sincerity of this tech support yahoo? Perhaps I’m becoming jaded as I get older.

Whatever the real reason for my weekend website woes, I want to thank all of you who are visiting today. I’m 99% sure that evil brain-eating aliens are not monitoring my website or breaking into your hard drive. It’s a pretty safe bet that you’re not going to transported to a porn site if you try to post a comment. But just to be on the safe side, you should probably keep a close eye on your chihuahuas if you’re going to be vacationing in Mexico anytime soon.

13 thoughts on “Customer dissatisfaction

  1. (Sotto voce) Quite honestly, if I’m not going to be transported to a porn site…oh, hi Karla. Great post! But I wager it’s “writerLY” not “writerY.”

  2. Sheep have a pact with the cats, I’ve heard who are notoriously skilled lock pickers. Cat burglars have a thing for baaaaaah boys.

    (oh that was so bad on my part. I’ll try not to use barnyard humor again)

    • Probably a good idea. Ewe can always stick to Charlie Sheen and Sarah Palin.

  3. It must have been something in the air; Blogger had problems yesterday, too. I couldn’t load any photos with my post.

  4. Your site loaded up just fine…it was posting comments that seemed to be a big problem…but, as long as the sheep are happy. Quite possibly, the sheep have started to take over the world and are plotting revenge…Oh, I know…maybe Mr. Johnson hired them to come find you and Grover at your undisclosed location…I’ll bet that’s it…

  5. I love living life on the edge, so I’ll keep coming back as long as you’ll have me. I’m not too crazy about chihuahuas, though, and Mexico is out of the question. Having worked in the computer industry most of my life, I can relate to the excuse:
    “I’m sorry, but a herd of angry sheep broke into the server room and chewed up all the wires,”
    I recall using similar excuses when my clients had me backed into a dark corner, looking surprisingly like a humor writers and bloggers, and threatening me with brain-eating aliens.
    I’m just sayin…

    • Obviously, it was an empty threat. Few aliens actually eat brains, although, don’t tell the other humor writers that.

  6. One of the most delightful things about your blog, Karla, is that I’m usually surprised at what I find funny. Sentences that seem quite safe on the surface can suddenly infect my funny-plexus and induce giggles.

    Today, I got surprised by: “I blinked twice, which is the sign that I’m thinking deep thoughts. ”

    I think part of your magic is the rhythm of the sentence, not just the words themselves…

  7. My phone, cable, and internet are all “bundled” through Cable R Us. A few weeks ago my phone stopped working. Their web site has a help/chat site so I IM’d their help desk and explained my problem. After waiting through all the plugs for new, expensive services I got a real person, I think. We went back and forth about are the phones plugged in, is it something in the house that you changed… Finally she said I’d have to call and talk to someone. I had already explained, and I reiterated, that I don’t have a cell phone. The land line that was no longer working is my only phone. So how was I going to call for assistance. She just repeated that I’d have to call.

    We’re the cable company, we don’t have to care.

    BTW, I called from a phone booth (try to find one of those these days) and the gal I talked to “pinged” my cable modem and all was well once more.

  8. What is up with the Go Daddy sleeze lately? I’m so turned off by it, I want to switch domain peeps (sheeps?). But your site did load quickly, so no worries.

  9. @ KLZ: I’m falling about laughing.

    @ Beth: So now Mr. Johnson is using sheep for hired muscle?

    @ Karla: the sheep like to pretend they’re docile and clueless, but they’re evil. Baaaahhhd to the bone.

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