I heart you

I don’t trust online dating services. It’s human nature to exaggerate our good qualities, and downplay the fact that we occasionally urinate in the closet. Would you really move in with someone if you knew that your shoes were going to be in the splash zone? With your future happiness in mind, I’ve compiled a list of first date warning signs.

She thinks the moon landing was a hoax

A popular theory among paranoid schizophrenics and residents of New Jersey. With proper treatment and heavy medication, both conditions can be managed. Common signs include suggesting a neo-nazi rally as the venue for your first date.

He has made multiple appearances on Jerry Springer

His ex-girlfriend accused him of dating her dog behind her back. If he is served with a summons for a paternity test during the appetizer, don’t stick around for dessert. RUN!!!

Her purse weighs more than she does

She took the designer dog fad to an extreme and adopted a designer Rottweiller. She obviously has trouble with spatial relationships. Don’t under any circumstances allow her to park your Porsche.

He walks his cat

Single men who own cats are immediately suspect for deep emotional problems. They thrive on rejection and indifference. If he puts his cat on a leash, he has obviously lost touch with reality.

Her last boyfriend was a mime

She has serious communication issues. She also has a high tolerance for annoyance, and will put up with any stupid shit you do. Trying to break up through normal means (never calling her back) holds little meaning for her. She will get you a collection of black and white striped shirts for Christmas, and keep you in an invisible box.

He wears his pants backwards

He Is anatomically confused and will not know which end of the hose goes in the spigot. Draw him a map and break out the hand puppets.

She wants you as a partner on a reality show

She will do anything for her 15 minutes of fame. If this involves setting any of your body parts on fire, she will not hesitate. Make sure you have a good supply of Aloe Vera on hand.

Hopefully, you won’t encounter any of the above dating train wrecks. If you already have that significant other, cherish her or him. You don’t want to be thrown back into the deep end of the dating pool. It’s full of sharks.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

20 thoughts on “I heart you

  1. Thank you for this advice. I am happy that you are performing a public service by debunking the moon landing hoax. Signed, Joan from New Jersey

  2. Wow! I’m so happy that I don’t have to go through that whole dating process again…I don’t think I’d make it.

  3. Happy Valentines Day, Karla. Oh yea, and thanks for writing my dating memoirs….all of the above. Yikes.

    • One date we went skinny dipping in a leach infested river. I wish I could say that it was my worst date ever.

  4. Woah!!


    We’re in the car, I put my arm around her, and a roach crawls out of her bouffant hairdo…

  5. You left out a few.

    If, on the second date, he wants you to get a tattoo of his name on your ass.

    If she brings a U-Haul with her on the second date

    BTW, does your husband know you’re dating?

  6. I had a first date with a guy who give me a Harry Potter book at dinner as a gift (random, but sweet) and then show me the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee porn tape afterwards (entertaining, but rather forward). Needless to say, we didn’t make it to date #2.

  7. Well, of *course* we’ve been to the Moon! Those conspiracy theorists, they’re crazy, nutcases.

    I should know, I’ve been to the Moon. The aliens took me.

  8. Another warning sign: He or she has pictures of you everywhere the first time you visit their place.

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