Writing from the heart

Have you ever tried peeling a pair of Spanx down to your ankles every time you need to pee? (Guys, you’ll just have to use your imaginations.) There’s that desperation point where the waist band is rolling over your bladder, and the pressure and urgency are enough to bring tears to your eyes. Writing is like that.

Today, I’m having trouble trying to squeeze out a rational thought without spewing musings on the effects of Cool Ranch Doritos on my breath. By the way, I heartily recommend the consumption of Doritos if there’s any chance you might be arrested and thrown into a holding cell with that twitchy little guy that everyone avoids.

Other mental garbage includes: Why did God choose someplace as barren as the middle east for the cradle of civilization? How many colors of crayons are they up to now? Why do front loading washers get that funk odor on a regular basis?

These are the thoughts that pop into my head when I’m trying to avoid the elephant in the room. This is my personal elephant:

Six years ago, a young couple living in a bad neighborhood decided to get a dog. They went to the pound and found a scarred up Rottweiller of indeterminate age. The card on his crate stated that he had serious social issues. He was aggressive, and bad with strangers, children, and other dogs. He was slated to be put down. Naturally, they fell in love.

Skeeter came home with them that day and filled their lives with joy. They didn’t want children, and Skeeter’s issues sealed the deal on that score. Skeeter especially loved Grandma (me) and pie. Say them both in a sentence and he lost his shit.

Sunday, Skeeter was diagnosed with advanced lymphoma, and my kids are devastated. I’ve been spending a lot of time at their house, comforting them, and just being there for Skeet. The meds are making him more comfortable, but we expect that he only has days to live.

All rules are out, and he’s being spoiled silly. You want pie? You want Grandma? You want Grandma to give you pie? No problem. Our time with our four-footed family members is so limited. Do me a favor and give your pets an extra hug for me today.

I heart you

I don’t trust online dating services. It’s human nature to exaggerate our good qualities, and downplay the fact that we occasionally urinate in the closet. Would you really move in with someone if you knew that your shoes were going to be in the splash zone? With your future happiness in mind, I’ve compiled a list of first date warning signs.

She thinks the moon landing was a hoax

A popular theory among paranoid schizophrenics and residents of New Jersey. With proper treatment and heavy medication, both conditions can be managed. Common signs include suggesting a neo-nazi rally as the venue for your first date.

He has made multiple appearances on Jerry Springer

His ex-girlfriend accused him of dating her dog behind her back. If he is served with a summons for a paternity test during the appetizer, don’t stick around for dessert. RUN!!!

Her purse weighs more than she does

She took the designer dog fad to an extreme and adopted a designer Rottweiller. She obviously has trouble with spatial relationships. Don’t under any circumstances allow her to park your Porsche.

He walks his cat

Single men who own cats are immediately suspect for deep emotional problems. They thrive on rejection and indifference. If he puts his cat on a leash, he has obviously lost touch with reality.

Her last boyfriend was a mime

She has serious communication issues. She also has a high tolerance for annoyance, and will put up with any stupid shit you do. Trying to break up through normal means (never calling her back) holds little meaning for her. She will get you a collection of black and white striped shirts for Christmas, and keep you in an invisible box.

He wears his pants backwards

He Is anatomically confused and will not know which end of the hose goes in the spigot. Draw him a map and break out the hand puppets.

She wants you as a partner on a reality show

She will do anything for her 15 minutes of fame. If this involves setting any of your body parts on fire, she will not hesitate. Make sure you have a good supply of Aloe Vera on hand.

Hopefully, you won’t encounter any of the above dating train wrecks. If you already have that significant other, cherish her or him. You don’t want to be thrown back into the deep end of the dating pool. It’s full of sharks.

Happy Valentine’s Day!