Call me Bwana

Photo safaris have become a hit among newly retired seniors. Many of our generation were regular devotees of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom every Sunday. What can rival the grace of a gang of angry baboons chasing co-host, Jim Fowler while Marlin Perkins offers his whispered narration from off scene?

“Jim will now attempt to avoid the razor sharp teeth of these majestic creatures by swimming across the crocodile-infested Magombo river.”

You can always save money by hunting for big game closer to home. I went to visit my daughter one day when she was just waking up. As a string of profanity pierced the morning calm, I rushed into her room. There, in the corner was a huge hole in her wall. There was debris from the rack, mixed with leaves, wallboard, and insulation on the floor. The mess had been tracked from the hole into the room, trailing under the bed, where Michelle had been sleeping soundly all night.

We flew into action by jumping on her bed, to avoid the razor sharp teeth of the mystery critter. Judging by the size of the hole and the height of the chew marks on what was left of her laundry rack, this thing was a beast!

We spent the remainder of the day hiding out in her backyard, trying to imagine what kind of super rat or stealth opossum could blunder in under the radar. Part two of the master plan was to come up with names for the mystery creature. We decided on Bubba.

When the animal removal expert (as seen on the Animal Planet channel) surveyed the damage, he remarked, “#x*&%! We’re going to need a bigger cage.” I would have liked a picture of Bubba in his natural habitat to add to my photo safari album. I just don’t know if Jim Fowler would be able to fit under the house.

12 thoughts on “Call me Bwana

  1. Oh, memories….I remember coming home one night, and turning on my bedroom light, only to find a very large body with a very long tail running to the other side of the room. I screamed, and my mother came running. I looked for that f***in’ thing, but couldn’t find it. I never even found the hole it squeezed in from…I slept with the lights on that night.
    So, I slept with the light on, then begged them to go to the Co-op to get some rat poison, because I was convinced it was. Sure enough, a few days later, laying dead on the basement floor, was my ‘Bubba’…I never named it…I was just glad to get rid of the little f***er.

    • 30 years ago I was working my first job, in a luxury hotel in NYC (that sounds much more interesting than it actually was). I was friendly with the hotel exterminator. I had water bugs – huge, disgusting beasts – in my apartment. When I asked the exterminator – the EXTERMINATOR – what I should do about them, he replied, “EWWW! I would MOVE!”

  2. OK is it just me? What the hell was Bubba? I’m skeered of all critters, big and small and teeth and all. (hey that kinda rhymed!). I wouldn’t have lived through that experience. I do ‘perimeter’ checks for spiders every night before going to bed. Just sayin….

  3. I used to check my bed every night for bugs and lobsters (my parents use to race lobsters in the kitchen, maybe that’s the explanation?). If your daughter is anything like me, despite never even seeing Bubba, Bubba will now stay with her for a lifetime of checking closets, bedsheets and drawers. A funny story too, though, in Bubba’s defense!

  4. “While we’re standing over here drinking tequilas, Jim’s going to go over there and tackle the mysterious chupacabra.”

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