Diets, Derailments, and Dudes

I first met Cheri Thacker through her hilariously funny blog, Crumbsnatcher Tales, where she assumed that I was a creepy stalker spammer. She got two out of three right. I’m thrilled that she agreed to share a post on my site … and drop the restraining order. Please join me in welcoming Cheri.

As the countdown began for Sunday night’s Commercial Bowl, millions of New Year Resolutions perished with the opening kickoff. The hang-over induced diets that began on January 1st came to a screeching halt when the pig-skinned footballs flew during Super Bowl XLVII.

But Chief Money Maker and I are keener than your average Winnie-the-Pooh. We decided to start our diets the day after the Big Game. We’d like to lose weight for health benefits. Mainly, so we can dance the mattress jig without giving out before the first song ends.

I chose the Reader’s Digest Diet because it’s balanced, healthy, and backed by nutritional science.

OK, I’m lying! I chose it because the book cover says you can lose 26 pounds in three weeks. Drawing upon my 20+ years in accounting, I calculate that 18 cycles of the diet should get me to my goal. I know you all just did the math and assumed I’m a 500+ pound hunk of a woman, but you know what they say about assumptions, right? If you do, would you please tell me? I always just nod and act like I DO know when people say that to me.

In reality, Chief and I both need to lose around 50 pounds. Chief entrusted the choice of our weight-loss plan to me because I’ve tried just about every diet on the planet. I reached lifetime member status with Weight Watchers back in 1990, but I won’t be chilling in commercials with Jennifer Hudson. The minute the scale hit my 141 pound goal, my doctor called with the news that I was pregnant. Bastard! (The doctor…not my child.)

Weight Watchers allowed a doctor’s note stating I could gain 20 pounds during my “maintenance phase” of their program. I also got a pass on the weekly fee as long as I remained in that weight range. That note saved me a LOT of money. Almost three weeks’ worth!

Another time, I lost around 15 pounds on the Atkins diet. But after sleeping on the stairs because I couldn’t make it up the entire flight, I determined carbs are NOT the anti-Christ and ditched that plan. I lost a few more pounds when the pork-rind and cheese-induced constipation eased. My most successful weight-loss venture was the “One Cup of Rice and Cheap Frozen Dinner” diet of 2007 I created when I lost my job. In addition to 20 pounds, I lost nearly all my hair, my short-term memory, and half my bone density.

I do trust that the Reader’s Digest Diet is sound and will be a great tool to boost our weight loss efforts. We’re off to a great start. I took Chief Money Maker his breakfast shake this morning and he said, “Mmmm, banana and strawberries!”

“And cocoa too!” I added.

“This isn’t so bad.”

“I know! You don’t even taste the flax seed!”

Chief froze mid-lift of his shake and said, “You should have stopped talking after ‘cocoa’.”

In terms of this diet…I think “we” just became “me.”

Cheri Thacker is a freelance writer, humor columnist, and author of . Her short story, “The Butterfly Wish” was published in the Sept 2012 edition of Mused-BellaOnline Literary Review. Her most recent project, , is a work in progress that takes a serious look at racism today in the South.

12 thoughts on “Diets, Derailments, and Dudes

  1. Thanks so much, Cheri. I think what they say about assumptions is that they’re only marginally better than scooping poop out of your dog’s mouth. At least that’s what my mom always said.

  2. Hi Cheri! Hilarious post! I’ve been on that “one cup of rice and cheap frozen dinner” diet….or something mighty similar, several times due to unemployment woes, and I dropped some serious poundage. Now that I’m working again, I can afford real meat and yet my palate is grossly out of whack. I mean, who actually dreams of canned cheese? It’s disturbing. I may need counseling. Know anyone?
    Seriously, FUN post! Thanks!

    • Thank you! That diet rocked. I supplemented on the weekends with beer my then-boyfriend bought when we went out to listen to a friend’s band. The additional diuretic effect added to the weight loss…and the ability to forget I was unemployed.

  3. Funny stuff and thanks for sharing Cheri’s diet wisdom. I’m on the Amnesia diet. As we age it’s called something else but basically if I forget to eat that’s a good thing.

  4. Pingback: What Are The Chances I Could Mistake a Cookie for a Healthy Snack? | Crumbsnatcher Tales

  5. I gave up on diets along ago. I totally suck at them. If I exercise enough, my weight will stay down.

    Funny…I don’t have an addictive personality otherwise, but when it comes to food….

  6. Excellent post, Cheri!

    I exercise enough, and my metabolism is pretty good at keeping me in fighting form.

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