Four weeks to touch my toes

Okay, I’m setting the bar kind of low, but I’ve got a clear goal in mind. For those of you who can put your foot behind your head, you are excused from this blog. Go do your back-bends and quit snickering at the rest of us.

For those of us with the elasticity of vulcanized beef jerky and more than two butt cheeks (two inside the panties and two or more underneath), welcome to the 28 day Yoga challenge.

“But Karla,” you say, “I have osteoporosis and two slipped disks.”

Any new exercise program should only be undertaken under the supervision of your doctor. That said, oh, boo-hoo! One of the postures is to stand up straight, raise up on your toes while raising your arms over your head, hold, lower yourself and your arms, repeat. Oh, don’t forget to breathe. I’m not asking you to calculate the value of pi to the 372nd decimal place.

You can either go to the library and get an instruction book, or make up your own moves as you go. Basically, any body position that causes onlookers to double over in gales of laughter qualifies as a yoga posture. The trick is to twist or stretch almost to the point of pain and hold. My question is, unless you get to the point of pain, how do you know if you’re almost there? It’s like recipes that tell you to add salt to taste. If I can taste the salt, I’ve probably put in too much. My rule of thumb is that if I can see two or more butt cheeks, I’m twisting too far.

My favorite fake yoga posture is “The Lazy Cat” which when properly executed leaves you curled up on the couch, drooling. Don’t forget to breathe.

Diagram 1.7

One of the tenets of Hatha Yoga is that you’re only as young as your spine is. By the end of 28 days if you’re not limber enough to touch your head with your feet (diagram 1.7) you obviously have been spending too much time on The Lazy Cat. Let’s move on.

Once you complete the program, and you can touch your toes without pulling a hamstring, you’ve just spent 14 hours of your life so you can pick up a quarter! You probably still have the same number of butt cheeks that you had last month, but at least you’re 25 cents closer to buying a gym membership.

8 thoughts on “Four weeks to touch my toes

  1. But Karla… yoga is demonic. I just read that in the newspaper yesterday so it must be true. Actually I think they published the story to get people like me (who’ll do almost anything if it’s prohibited) to do yoga.

    • According to the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky yoga is “contradictory to Christianity.” A local pastor (in Seattle) noted that yoga is “absolute paganism.” Like I said, that just makes it all the more appealing to me.

  2. I used to be pretty good at yoga and then I got old and found myself umbilically tied to my computer. But the timing of the challenge is exactly what I need. Heading into the Lazy Cat right now.

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