Does this hat make my head look big?

Drawn to scale

“Wow, your head is really big!” This, from my friend who has a little trouble with impulse control. The man trying on cowboy hats next to us coughed to cover his guffaw as she blurted out the obvious. I had been pawing through the Stetsons and Resistols trying desperately to find something that would not make me look like Mr. Potato Head.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to wear headgear with a snooty sounding French name, like cloche or beret. When I’m buying a ball cap, I have to crouch down between the racks of bras pretending that I’m looking for 36 double Ds, while fumbling with the adjustable strap. There’s no need to advertise that truck drivers have smaller heads than I do.

If the freakish body proportions stopped at my head, that would be one thing. I am also unfortunate enough to have thumbs the size of summer sausages, and kneecaps that come around a corner long before the rest of me does.

Perhaps, the thing that bothers me most is my short legs. I am currently in training for a 5k walk. So far, my major qualifications for a 5k consist of me once drawing a recognizable picture of a tennis shoe. I am not walking for some noble cause like birth defects or breast cancer. I am merely trying to reduce the cruelty to my desk chair.

At any rate, my training involves walking my dog, whose legs are nearly as long as mine. Unfortunately, he has four of them and I don’t. While chugging along at top speed yesterday, my dog stopped to pee on approximately 62 bushes and a neighbor’s fence. I didn’t even have to slow down.

So, why the diatribe on my personal deformities? Because I think that we should embrace our physical appearance. Despite my unfortunate features, I think I look pretty good. Just ask the crusty old geezer with a pin head down at the Dunkin Donuts. He can’t keep his eye off me. Wait, shouldn’t he have two of them?

12 thoughts on “Does this hat make my head look big?

  1. There should be no diatribe (and I know what that means because I just got back from It all sounds saxy to me, girlie (I misspell so your site won’t block me. We will see if it works). I think big heads are just fine, unless of course, you start walking down a steep hill. Don’t lean forward. Just sayin.. I know of this because of my extra boobage. Tends to drive the train.
    And your knees? Please don’t get me started on knees. I have fat knees and it doesn’t matter how much weight I drop, the knees sit there looking like a couple pink balloons. Trust me, not as pretty as it sounds.

  2. If only we could all be nice and thin and have all our curves in all the right places…yeah, that might be nice, I suppose, but it’ll never happen. Ok, so I’m losing some weight, but I will never be ‘stunning’ or ‘gorgeous’…I’m more the plain-Jane type of gorgeous.
    And, why do dogs think they have to pee on ever single blade of grass? I’ve still not figured that one out yet, even after all these years.

    Great blog, as usual…

  3. At least your ears don’t stick out like open car doors on either side of your head. And I’ve seen you in hats. I think you look pretty good. No comment on the knees tho.

  4. I learned a long time ago to embrace what I have. There’s a reason why my hips are wide and my waist is small. Besides, giving birth. I just haven’t figured it out yet. Maybe they are for weapons of mass destruction. Who knows? I’m still trying to figure out why? But they’re mine.

    • A few good knocks from my hips and people on the subway suddenly respect my personal space, especially if they bruise easily.

  5. Hmmm…

    I guess us perfect folks will just have to find a way to put up with you freaks 🙂

  6. You may have thought that her caricature/facebook picture was an exaggeration but it’s actually to scale.

  7. Karla,

    A link does exist between large heads and French berets. One faction of the Crust Brotherhood framed large caps as they baked to cover their heads.

    However, they developed such large heads that they undertook a terrorist plot to drive the world’s foodies away from Italian cuisine and more into French food.

    The Crust Terrorists staged a hostage attack on a tomato field in California where a standoff occurred as the Crust leader held a syringe to a tomato that would change the entire species into a form of a fromage.

    The Counter Crust Unit of LA had to send in a special opps unit that used a special demi glace tracker to ID the Crust Terrorists. The incident almost turned into a disaster when a pre-arranged yeast weapon transformed all white bread in California supermarkets into boules.

    But a clever Counter Crust Agent tricked the terrorists by sending in a grape tomatoes. The French were so drawn to the grape that they freed the hostage tomato.

    The surprise came when the leader of the terrorists lifted his beret to scratch his head, and the huge beret fell onto the tomato, setting it free.

    The incident had the White House head chef worried that had the attempt worked, the future meals would look strange without tomatoes. Imagine, bloody marys with a cheese sauce.

    • We would be up to our salad plates in stinky cheese. Sounds like we dodged a bullet on that one.

  8. The blog post and the comments are hilarious. That’s all I can say. I’m out of here. Just know that the rest of me will be gone, long before my as is!

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