“I think the red dye must have faded,” I told my husband as I stared at the package of hamburger. It had only been in my refrigerator one day, but it had gone from red, to brown, to gray. At that point it went from the fridge to the garbage. I draw the line at eating anything that looks like something I dug out of the cat’s litter box.
I could understand meat metamorphosis if I didn’t have a refrigerator. That was the case in Shanghai recently, when Miss Chen got up to go to the bathroom during the night and found that a slab of pork on her kitchen table was glowing blue. Perhaps it is the tradition in China to hold a wake for dead pigs before eating them.
Photo from Slash/Food
At any rate, since the FDA was not available to slap a quarantine on Miss Chen’s apartment building and surrounding neighborhoods, local authorities did the next best thing. They sent a swarm of reporters and leading scientists the next night to examine the radiant ribs—which were still on her table. In China, quantum physics is not nearly as exciting as raw meat.
The air of excitement and the unspeakable stench were palpable. In the end it was determined that the ghostly glow was caused by phosphorescent bacteria. Yes, they discovered that raw meat attracts germs like flies to poop.
Meanwhile, I had underestimated the amount of garbage we can fit in a tall kitchen garbage bag before having to take it outside. The next morning, the smell of dead cow residing in my trash brought tears to my eyes, and my neighbors threatened to call the Homeowners’ Association. Since being on the HOA’s hot list holds all the appeal of an IRS audit, we sent the offending meat by-products to the local landfill, where even the seagulls wouldn’t touch it.
Moral of the story: take care when you buy meat from a place that also sells car tires. And if your pot roast starts glowing in the dark, send it to China. The physicists there have way too much free time on their hands, and the seagulls will thank you for it.
You had me at the hamburger that had gone from red, to brown to something you might have removed from the cats litter box. Stop…you’re making my insides hurt with your funnies…
Ok, don’t stop…I needed the giggle.
BTW, good call on the meat. If you have to ask, “Does this look all right to you?”, then it probably is a safe bet that you should throw it out.
Don’t you hate it when you have to throw food away? Our supermarket will refund your money in a case like you mentioned. But you made it such a funny story! You have a gift, Karla, but you probably already knew that!
You reminded me about the time I firmly decided to stop testing hamburger’s viability for ingestion with my nose…
You used to ingest hamburger with your nose? 🙂 That takes talent.
Whoot 🙂
OK funny lady, this might be the first time I ever laughed at spoiled meat (even husbands). Funny stuff. And you’re right, if something doesn’t look right, it probably isn’t. And if it looks right, take a big whif anyway because if it doesn’t smell right, it also probably isn’t. Just some simple rules to live by. Sight and smell. And chocolate. (That doesn’t belong in this comment, but I have craving, so…)
In a word…YUCK!
I’ve had a few packages of disgusting meat. Just the thought makes my stomach do very bad things….
Why would anyone throw away perfectly good grey meat? It goes nicely with the green-tinged cheese in my fridge – the pairing for the last cheeseburger you’ll ever eat.
Once at a super walmart my wife witnessed them removing the date labels from the ground turkey and replacing them with new ones.
Makes me glad to be veggie. I’ll be ok until mad-carrot disease makes it’s way into the country!
Cheers.
My kids won’t let me forget the time I poisoned myself with bad hamburger in the spaghetti.
You can eat grey meat with limburger cheese. You won’t taste the salmonella with that crap on the side…
It’s a good thing you aren’t color blind or you may not have noticed the nuanced color of the meat. That’s why we only eat things that are the color of cheese balls, unnaturally orange, which would probably pair well with the glowing blue pork. This whole blog has got us hungry… 🙂