Going for Gold

It’s never too early to be thinking about the 2020 Summer Olympics. My neighbor was out this morning (not the curmudgeon) training for the games, where it is rumored that there will be competitive lawn mowing for the first time.

His son was out with him, so he’s obviously going for the synchronized mowing event.

“How far down are you going?” the boy shouted over the roar of the engine.

“Just to the big wheel.”

Judging is based on uniformity of grass length, precision of matching up the individual patches, and the beauty of tandem movements. Extra degree of difficulty is awarded for fire ant mounds and low-hanging branches dripping with spiders the size of miniature schnauzers. Judging is done by a panel of Homeowners’ Association police.

It has taken a good deal of lobbying to get this event approved by the Olympic Committee, as several of the members live in neighborhoods where the front lawn consists of dirt, rocks, and the occasional land mine. I won’t get all snooty and say the Americans have it tied up, but really world, just look at our lawns! They are green, pristine, and notably lacking in explosive devices.

Other events will include the lawnmower slalom, 100 meter freestyle, and (of course) competitive edging. If you have suggestions for other Olympic events, by all means, let us know. I’ll get a petition going, right after I finish my yard work.

10 thoughts on “Going for Gold

  1. Hello there, just became aware of your weblog thru Google, and located that it is really informative. I am going to watch out for brussels. I will appreciate in case you continue this in future. Lots of other folks will likely be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

    • Brussels may take us on hedges and shrubs, but they definitely don’t know their fescue.

  2. Sign me up. I’ll have to move though. There isn’t much grass in Vegas. Well, the mowing kind, anyways.
    When I lived in rural bumfukt Ohio, we had a huge lawn and part of my suntanning regimen was to put on shorts and a tank top and mow the lawn. We didn’t have a riding lawn mower, so it was a good workout. The difference in ‘my’ lawn, however, and the reason I belong in those Olympics, was that I would mow in a pattern and it looked all fancy when I got finished. Yea, I’m creative like that.
    So if you need a teammate, don’t forget me.
    Of course, I will be around 66 in the year 2020.

    • We can mow naughty limericks in the lawn of Buckingham Palace. (OK, I’ve probably just been banned from England).

  3. Looks like you’ve been invaded by spammers again!

    Maybe we can throw the spammers into a gladiator pit… that would be an ideal Olympic game.

  4. Karla, that would definitely be an ‘interesting sport’. And why not since we already have shows about power saws! Take care!

Comments are closed.