I just wanted a lousy fly swatter, not a scavenger hunt. My backup plan was to find a friendly customer service representative. Apparently, everyone in the tri-state area wearing a blue vest was out taking a smoke break behind the dumpsters. Are fly swatters a thing of the past? Mine broke while I was herding a water moccasin off the back patio. When facing an angry pit viper you do not want faulty equipment! He was armed with venomous fangs, while I was wielding a plastic handle. I think he had the advantage.

I stomped past bedazzlers and silk flowers looking for the plastic-stuff aisle. Storage containers – no; dish drainers – no; plastic retainers – no. You’d think that they’d have wild animal deterrent systems in sporting goods. I could get a 12 gauge shotgun without a waiting period, but that would make a mess of my porch. Besides, they say to never bring a gun unless you’re prepared to have it turned on you. “Woman shot by snake in home invasion. Story at 11:00.”

Maybe I’d find it in the garden center, next to the charcoal briquettes. I found 50 pound bags of birdseed, but I imagine that throwing millet at a snake will only make him angry. I was getting desperate. What about a back brush? You’d think that a loofah on a stick would intimidate him.

Finally, I went to the grocery section and checked out the bug repellant. Sprays, roach motels, flypaper, mousetraps, but no flyswatters. Totally defeated, I struggled to find my way back to the cash registers. I walked past customer service, not wishing to get in line behind 13 people returning the complete 4^th season of The Sopranos on DVD. I would just have to keep a broom on the back porch, and hope that I didn’t have a home invasion of flies. They’re much harder to hit with the shotgun.