My husband used to cannibalize old computers to build new computers. To wit, we have a garage full of adaptors, cables, motherboards, fatherboards, wysywigs, and whatnots. Last weekend he got to put his rusty skills to the test when our internet virus protection software (which begins with N and ends with ton) lapsed. Warning: graphic descriptions of nerdy stuff ahead.

Early Saturday, I turned on my computer to find the message, “dia*3marrymeRoger/666.exe cannot start.” It then flashed dire predictions of Trojans, kiddy porn, worms, viruses, rabid gorillas, global destruction, and IRS audits. I think it was trying to get my attention. These came with obnoxious sound effects, like goats strangling on cheese balls. I immediately woke my husband so he could spend countless hours of frustration on a Saturday.

A local man made the news when he popped a couple caps into his daughter’s laptop after she posted a smassy comment about him on Facebook. The local jurisdiction considered this justifiable cause for discharging a firearm in public. Too bad I didn’t have a firearm.

When my husband’s efforts failed, I decided to do the computer equivalent of hitting it with a hammer. I unplugged my laptop and removed the battery. I should mention, that my husband poo-pooed this idea. Fortunately, it worked, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to write this rant about the evil, pernicious, software makers who just want to bully you into hitting the “buy my stuff, or else” panic button. Ironically, we had already bought their update, but their spanking prevented us from uploading the stuff.

Fortunately, I can now get back to the excruciating exercise of completing my company taxes. If you hear a loud bang, it’s just me popping a cap into Quickbooks.